March 12, 2014
As a betch, people are probably introducing themselves to you constantly and only a small percentage of those people are going to be rich enough or hot enough to actually register as a human being. This combined with the number of events you're going to and your general level of shitfaced-ness at said events makes it inevitable that you're going to forget a name or two.
Sometimes a betch's life can feel like just a blur of faces that are less pretty than yours, and suddenly you're three weeks into a month long group project and you have no fucking clue what to call the nice girl who did all the work for you. In most cases, this is the girl whose name you forgot's fault for being too boring to be memorable or for inspiring you to come up with such a good nickname that you forgot what her actual name was (Sorry Nancy, but "gap tooth ginger" really rolls off the tongue.)
Despite the fact that your forgetfulness is totally not your fault, forgetting someone's name can be really awk and betches don't have the time or the energy to have to pretend to be all apologetic or embarrassed and shit. In these instances, it's much easier to just do what betches do best and just be fake nice until you figure out who the fuck this person is and why the fuck they are talking to you. With that, here are some handy tips for dealing with the unmemorable.
Your first line of defense when you forget someone's name is your ability to pretend that you give a shit. Try fake complimenting everything from her cell phone case to her shitty, hand made African bracelet. Just do anything to keep the conversation away from the fact that you didn't give a shit enough to learn the most basic information you can learn about a person. In most cases, this girl will be so overjoyed that you're even talking to her that she won't even notice that you keep accidentally calling her Helga because she has a unibrow and seems like she could have a bubblegum sculpture of some dude in her closet.
The problem with this approach is that it can create a TYF situation, which makes the fact that you don't know this girl's name even more awk so make sure that you act nice, but don't like, go overboard and actually make plans with this person.
Before cell phones, old school betches would have to rely on their eavesdropping skills to try and overhear the person whose name they forgot introducing themselves to someone else. Luckily, we now have our iPhones to help us remember all the people that are trying to get our attention. Try a lie like, "Omg I don't know why but I totally can't find you on Facebook! Maybe you should friend me," or "Ugh I'm too drunk to put you in my phone, why don't you add yourself?" That way this person gets to feel the joy of thinking you actually give a shit about talking to them and you gain another Twitter follower. Everybody wins.
If you really can't figure out who the fuck this person is, it's time to enlist the help of your besties. Your best bet here is The Dud because she is the most likely person to give enough of a shit about others to remember their names. Think Anne Hathaway at Miranda Priestly's party. If after a consultation with your besties and one attempt at the age old introduce-two-people-but-let-them-say-their-own-names trick doesn't work, then it's time to keep this bitch anonymous. There is only so much effort a betch can put into respecting others before it's time for her to focus on the better shit that she has to do. If this girl realizes that you don't know her name and seems offended or sad or some shit, tell her to stop embarrassing herself and to start being an interesting enough person that betches don't have to do work to remember her.
Side note: this article focuses on forgetting girls' names because if its a bro whose name you forgot there is no reason to go through all the trouble of trying to learn it. If he was hot enough to hook up with you would have remembered, and since we all know that guy friends don't exist, there's no reason to continue to have a relationship with this person.