How To: Pretend You're Not Unemployed When You Are

By Dom Betchignon

Unemployed is such a harsh word.  Betches who happen to be recent college graduates (courtesy of dad) and haven’t yet landed a job because we refuse to work for minimum wage but also refuse to work in a cubical with fluorescent lighting need to find another way to describe our employment status while we sip on our vodka sodas. These are a few options you can use when asked the horrifying question, so what do you do?

1.  "I’m currently interviewing": This one sounds legitimate and allows you to make up any company as well as the position that makes you look the best depending on the occasion in which you need to bring it into the conversation. For example: a position in the marketing department at Gucci when you run into your frenemy, or an assistant at a small record label where you get to scout the coolest new bands for when you meet that sexy hipster at the bar who probably enjoys posing in front of brick walls on the weekend (but looks like Don Draper in a flannel). Anyway you get my point, just remember a little white lie never hurt anyone.

2.  Be like a Bachelor contestant and be a “former (something of your choice)”: Former NBA dancer was the choice for Cassandra on Season 18 but you can really be a former anything. It’s 2014 betches, make your dreams as big as your Instagram search history.  

3.  Entrepreneur: This one is becoming a classic almost as fast as the kale and gluten free fad. Entrepreneurs are popping up everywhere these days mostly in the form of geeks with glasses making iPhone apps but hot betches can make a company and sell it to Apple too. If you feel the need to have a detailed storyline, find the stoner in your apartment building and light up a joint one night this week and write down all your highdeas, one ought to be a valid invention you can pretend to be pursuing.

4.   Freelance writer: This one sounds fascinating to those who don’t actually know the life of a freelance writer. In reality, being a freelance writer means you roll out of bed in a baggy t-shirt and underwear only to make your way to the couch. You turn on the Kardashians because it is like a moving version of Us Magazine, with pretty people and fabulous clothes but nothing of substance you really need to pay attention to. Therefore, you can open your laptop and your blank word document and pretend to work while you watch Kris Jenner cry yet again in the background. Of course, when you explain your job to people you can elaborate on the locations in which you work on this so-called “writing” however you wish. Saying things like “I much prefer my office to be the beach” and they’ll look at you with envy because you indeed do have the perfect tan (from crashing hotel pools instead of job fairs) while they had to get a mystic and look like they’ve rolled around in a bag of Cheetos.

5.  Penny Lane: When in doubt pull the Almost Famous free spirit card. No one can argue with someone who tells them careers are a 21st century invention and we were meant to be free actually enjoying life, living one day at a time. You can say you know you have to get a job to pay the bills eventually but don’t want to waste your best years (those before botox) in an office Monday through Friday.

6.  "I’m going to go see the world": Most college graduates who spend the semester abroad saved up their money throughout college so they could backpack from hostel to hostel (ew) but not the true betches.  A true betch just asks for money for a graduation present (cause obviously the $200,000 investment in your brain is never enough). This allows you to put off the employment question for at least three months and of course gets you a whole new collection of fabulous Instagrams as well as profile pictures and cover photos. This is a perfect solution just as long as you don’t gain the horrific abroad weight from too much alcohol and foreign delicacies. Maybe pack laxatives just in case.




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