How To: Properly Stalk An Ex

By Jane Duh

Stalking your ex on social media is one of the most essential parts of a post-breakup betch's life. It's like stretching after you do cardio---you gotta do it or else your muscles will tense up and you'll feel like shit all the time. That being said, here is our guide to getting the most out of your post-breakup stalking.


It's common knowledge that betches make excellent spies because they know how to spot shady behavior and their hair is full of secrets. Your ability to mimic your ex and be shady AF is crucial here because one accidental 'like' on an old profile pic or a status he was tagged in like three weeks ago and the whole operation is blown.

Silence is the name of the game, which means that no matter how much you want to flip the fuck out at him over text for 'liking' some girl who claims to be a model's bikini pics on insta, you're going to have to keep silent. Otherwise next time you log in you'll find yourself blocked on Facebook, insta, and twitter and the whole mission will have to be aborted. And you'll look like a freak. 


When you find some truly incriminating behavior like a pic of him with his OTHER ex just days after your official split, or an accidentally tweeted pic of his dick that was clearly supposed to be a DM, it's time to get a second pair of eyes on the situation to let you know exactly how to proceed. This is important because, and I don't have the numbers on this, but I'm pretty sure that 90% of car fires could have been prevented if some betch had just consulted her bestie before buying all that gasoline.

Your bestie is the best(ie) woman for the job because she's far enough away from the situation to not actually give a shit herself, but close enough to the situation to know exactly how much she should be pretending to give a shit that he and that skank from his church keep RTing each other. Plus she's in the perfect position to passive aggressively fav things so that he'll know he's being fucking watched.


Even the most experienced stalker can get things wrong sometimes, which it's important to check and double check facts before going in for the kill (or the super-long angry text). Bros are fascinating creatures whose behavior does not always follow what we as betches would consider to be "logic" so applying whatever rules you have for social media flirting upon him is the fastest way to accidentally yell at your ex for commenting "love you!" on a pic of his cousin because they don't have the same last name and it's not like you ever asked him about his family. Just remember that this dude was stupid enough to lose you, so he's probably stupid enough to flirt with your friend on the internet and not even know he's doing it.


A betch can go crazy if she becomes too obsessed with her intelligence gathering mission. It is important to remember that anything that you see on his profile that might have upset you was written by the same shitty dude who you know for a fact spends most of his nights dick in hand, balls deep in a plate of nachos, playing Mario Kart with the same five dudes he's been playing Mario Kart with since high school. While the internet might feel like real life, it's actually not so don't let shit that happens there affect your mental health IRL. Do that, and suddenly you'll look around and see that you're the Carrie Mathison of breakups and your show totally blows now.




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