July 30, 2013
When a betch gets wifed, she has one duty: make sure her bridesmaids get laid at her wedding. Making sure your bridesmaids get ass is how you say thank you for the fact that they paid $500 for a flight to your destination bachelorette, and your last gift to them (along with that stockpile of morning-after pills you probably won't be needing anymore) before you get a joint email account with your husband and start spending every weekend attempting utterly pointless DIY projects you see on the home decor blogs you now read. Betches love these red bridesmaids dresses because they will ensure that your friends look slutty and skinny, but classy enough that you can tell the difference between your wedding pictures and your winter formal pictures from junior year.
Crimson Princess Gown From Rent The Runway via Lover.ly.
This dress was basically made for collar boning in the limo after pictures. When you choose a dress that makes it easy for groomsbros to get into your friends' clavicles before they've even had dinner, you're setting them up to get in even further before the night is over. Your first goal is obviously getting your friends laid, but betches know getting your husband's friends to like you doesn't hurt.
We tried this dress on for a friend's wedding and the saleswoman kept going on about how it was a "hot little number." She was approximately 100 years old but we're pretty sure she is a betch at heart because it actually was a pretty hot dress. Just let your friends know that they can't push their boobs way the fuck up in it until the reception starts; no one is going to be paying attention to that reading of 1 Corinthians if a bridesmaid's nip is threatening to reveal itself.
Betsy & Adam Off Shoulder Stretch Satin Sheath Dress From Nordstrom via Lover.ly
Another dress that was made for collar boning, this off-the-shoulder style is sexy and elegant. Just make sure your bridesmaids don't have it tailored too short because nothing steals attention from the bridal betch like a bridesmaid who can't sit down without showing her Spanx. (You can also avoid this issue by choosing bridesmaids who
wouldn't be caught dead in Spanx isn't fat.) But this dress is so amazing that even if you can see your friend's tampon string in it, the worst she could really do in it is get mistaken for a high-class call girl.
Adrianna Papell Pleated Chiffon Fit & Flare Dress From Nordstrom via Lover.ly
This dress is bright red and body-conscious, but the simple top and pleated skirt mean your bridesmaids can totally do betchy girl-next-door in this dress. "What? You mean I actually look attractive in this old thing?" they'll say incredulously to the hot groomsbros while sipping cocktails from mason jars at your reception. Side note: If everyone knows you're rich, mason jars are cute and totally acceptable (though a bit played-out). If you're not, skip the whole getting-married-in-a-barn trend, lest people think you were born there.
Even if your friends' sole priority is to get blackout and leave with their groomsbros, they want to look posh, so choosing a dress that looks like something you would wear on the red carpet is always a nice thing to do. It also means that your bridesmaids will look right at home in Gotham Hall or at La Quinta estate, two venues where you can become a trophy wife.
Note: your friends aren't fucking going to wear any of these dresses again, so don't tell them they will. They aren't poor so they won't care anyway.