How To Recover From Word Vomit

By Miss Ameribetch

Sometimes a betch gets too rambunctious with her words and finds herself facing the social faux pas of word vomit. This most often happens while she is blackout but can also happen if she’s just “going through something.” Let’s focus on how to handle word vomit in the former situation.

Every betch knows that she isn’t responsible for her actions when she’s drunk. However, this can lead to accidentally divulging secrets or sharing untrue opinions with strangers just for kicks, and sometimes this can get a betch in trouble. For some reason, after a few shots, we may enjoy telling friends and strangers alike our “true feelings” about other people. Unfortunately, these “true feelings” are only 30% of the time “true,” as betches become improvising geniuses when it comes to making shit up drunk.

Usually, this isn’t a problem if all parties are equally blackout, but sometimes, this can lead to a betch needing to do recon post word vomit. For example, after your 6th pickleback, you confessed to your friend how you hooked up with his bro friend and that his dick was really weird. To recover from TMI anxiety the next day, just pull the distraction card. Say something like, “apparently I told Liza that Joe Biden hit on me when I interned at the White House…I never even interned at the white house lolol.”  Your friend will realize that you didn’t confess anything special to him, you were just confessing shit to everyone. Plus, he’ll probably think you’re hilarious.

If your word vomit is a drunk confession of feelings, then in addition to making up other dumb shit you did the night before to offset said confession, you might also want to add in another excuse like “I should stop drinking on antibiotics” or “I think I was roofied last night idk” so it’s clear that you were def not thinking straight. It’s also acceptable to name your blackout self and blame her for everything. For example, “I heard Esperanza told six people she loved them last night. She sounds like so much fun.” Like, you thought you were the only one I said I loved (because I love you) but it's just a thing I do at parties okay, Brad?!

Finally, you can always turn the table on your word vomit victim instead. Remind them of something disgusting or dumb they did the night before. That’ll sober them up quickly and they’ll soon forget you ever told them you had a crush on your alcoholic uncle when you were four. If all else fails, write your drunk word vomit into a monologue and claim it was research for drama class the entire time. Then, go sign up for a drama class to make your story air tight.




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