July 25, 2013
Hey Head Pro,
Just thought I'd share this gem. We only met once and he called me Hannah banana.
Hey Hannah (Banana),
This one doesn’t really call for a lot of commentary, but I included it because it’s one of those screens that make your day just a little bit better. I do like how he addressed you by name in almost every text. It’s like he’s using one of those mnemonic devices they recommend you use to avoid forgetting someone’s name. “Jim. Hi Jim, nice to meet you Jim.” Jim kind of sounds like Jim Bob, which sounds like rimjob. Jim = rimjob, got it. Rimjob Jim, I like that. I wonder if that’s what his wife calls him.
I would imagine this guy has also equally, if not more fulfilling conversations with the stuffed animals he keeps in one of those mesh nets he has strung up in the corner over his bed.
Dear Head Pro,
I met this guy at a party and he seemed really into me. He walked me to my subway stop even though it was out of his way and then asked me on a date. I gave him my number and a few days later this exchange went down.
Why would he assume the date was canceled because of this? Was that a reasonable assumption?? Also, he made another weird AIDS joke the night we met. What's with the fixation on AIDS??? Lastly, who books a date for when they're flying to Florida?!
Needs aid for AIDS joke
Ok, there’s a lot going on here without enough of an explanation. Are we so sure he was making an AIDS joke? I mean obviously he thought so, but he’s also clearly no comedian. It sounds more like a misplaced PSA “Don’t work at Chippendales. You will get AIDS, and you will die.” Probably not something you had on your short list of things to do, but nice enough of him, I guess. And what about Colonel Bunz? I’d like to get his thoughts on this blatant stereotyping.
Of course, the best is his reaction to your somewhat justified reply. How, in the course of a day, did he plan and purchase a last-minute weeklong trip from New York to Florida? Did he maybe know that the AIDS joke wasn’t going to land, well before your reply a week later? That’s the kind of thing you’d do if, say, you returned home from work to find your house consumed by a swarm of bees and needed somewhere to go while they’re removed. Florida has no bees, as St. Patrick drove them out when he retired there after a life of snake-expelling. Florida also has no AIDS, since as we all know, there are absolutely zero gay men or drug users in Florida, particularly the South Beach area.
I hope, sincerely, that you gave him permission to text you upon his return on the 8th.
Kisses (from Florida),