February 26, 2014
Let’s face it, dumb people suck. No one wants to hang out with you if you say stupid shit like “irregardless” or “carbs are actually good for you.” As important as your exterior appearance is, coming off as intelligent can be equally important. But not everyone has the time to read the trending news section of Facebook every day. So for the rest of you betches struggling to make convo with your boyfriend’s annoying friend who talks down to you because he goes to law school, here are some tips to help you seem vaguely intellectual.
1. Buy a book. If you own it you’re more likely to read it. Obvs no one wants to read some boring shit like Moby-Dick (which we assume is like softcore porn about whales). Choose something funny like Chelsea Handler or Mindy Kaling or Tina Fey. Reading their books is basically like watching one of their TV shows, but way more sophisticated. Plus, if you’re trying to impress a legit intellectual they probably don’t know who these funny betches are anyway. They’ll feel like the dumb ones when they find out you read books by authors they’ve never heard of.
2. Watch the news once in a while, and try to drop news stories into everyday conversation. You got a mani? That’s crazy, cause I just heard on the news that Chinese nail polish contains lead. We don’t expect you to have the time or patience for the CNN Newsroom, but Brian Williams is sort of a hot dad. Like, if you’re into that.
3. Choose a cause. It doesn’t even have to be a legit one. Orphans without Smart Water, or Loud Girls without Hilarious Gay Besties. Whatever it is, pretend like it’s super important to you, and NEVER STOP TALKING ABOUT IT. People might get sick of hearing you talk, but at least they’ll think you’re a social activist. Who knows, you could be the next Rosa Parks. That betch knew how to stand up to guys.
4. Learn the name of your congressman. People love that.
5. When you go to a movie, say things like “the work was derivative,” and then if people ask you to elaborate, say “you wouldn’t understand.” Condescension is key.
6. The most important rule: NEVER ADMIT THAT YOU’RE WRONG! If you get into a debate with someone, intimidate them into backing down. Become the alpha dog.