December 4, 2013
As everyone with access to the internet should know, "selfie" was named word of the year by none other than the official Webster dictionary (ever heard of it?). We would've weighed in on the big selfie news sooner, but to be honest, we've been internally debating the betchiness of the selfie. Even though the act of taking a picture of yourself is blatantly all about #1, it's also kind of attention seeking and like, look at me! look at me!, which by definition a betch doesn't need to do to get attention. I mean we've all seen selfies that are super nice girly and lame, but on the other hand everyone from Rihanna to Meryl Streep takes selfies.
The bros debating Obamacare think they have it rough, imagine having to decide whether or not selfies should be a number on the Betch List. So we finally decided that as with all things betchy, it's not about whether you selfie or not, it's about how you selfie.
Congrats, you made it to Tuesday. That is not an occasion to make it #selfietuesday because you want to show off how blue your eyes are looking this morning in contrast with your new Givenchy sweater, which is half the reason you're taking this selfie in the first place.
We all know what your face looks like so you better have a seriously beautiful background/famous person/ironic message to make this selfie worthy of leaving your photo stream. Everyone knows hell is probably just a series of your embarrassing private camera selfies playing on a loop in front of everyone you know. When they say #nofilter, that doesn't mean not filtering the dumb shit you post.
As betchy as it is to drive like a fucking idiot, you know what's not betchy? Dying. Dying and/or being arrested for running over a pedestrian because you instagrammed proof that you ARE a fucking idiot. You might as well Instagram yourself driving while chugging a bottle of Moët while holding your fake ID (with the Mercedes symbol on the steering wheel in the background, fucking duh).
But no new friends obvs. A multi person selfie is otherwise known to betches and Ja'mie King as a groupie. This is acceptable only because who doesn't love to show how many besties they can fit in their selfie, and sometimes the group photog wants to actually be in their own pictures. Plus when you groupie, the toolishness of not having someone to take a real pic is spread over everyone in it so it's like, not that bad.
If you're in public try to keep your selfie-ing to a few seconds no matter how pretty the sunset behind you is. The blurry nature of selfies makes everyone look prettier than they are, so if you can't get a good one in two shots I am sorry but you're prob just ugly.
You are not a celebrity so therefore the fact that you once made a duckface or a wounded sparrow face or whatever the fuck you want to hashtag, is not a reason to put the world on notice. Taking a series of mirror pics is what you do before attending a sweet 16. Anyone who likes one of these pointless acts of narcissism is just trying to win points with you which they will cash in when you like their own pointless photos later. Just the facts.