How To Sext Like A Betch

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

As we said before, sexting is like masturbating, watching porn, or jamming out to Bieber: everyone does it, but no one wants to admit it. Well it’s high time we stop pretending. Just like abstinence-only education leads to more teen pregnancies, pretending you don’t sext leads to more exposed nudes, probably. If you’re going to do it, you need to learn how to practice safe sexts.

Do: Use a non-permanent form of communication.

Criticize Snapchat’s shoddy security all you want, at least it gives that: the illusion of security. Until someone comes up with a way to sext that’s as secure as Beyoncé’s production team, we’ll have to put our trust into the SABs behind Snapchat. What are the other options, trusting your SAB not to show your dirty texts (that will stay in his phone forever) to his 5 closest friends? Hard pass.

Don’t: Put your face in any pictures.

Plausible deniability is everything. If your shit leaks for whatever reason, no one short of your gyno should be able to tell whose naked body that is. “That’s totally not my face, you know what they say, everyone has a doppelganger somewhere” is not going to convince anyone.

Do: Consider getting a burner phone.

I mean, if you’re going to be shady, why not just go all the way with it?

Don’t: Be in High School.

There’s always that freshman girl whose nudes get distributed to the entire school on week one, effectively destroying her life. Happened in my high school every year like clockwork. Don’t be that girl. That's one parent-teacher conference no one wants to go to . Also getting charged for producing and distributed child porn is not betchy.

Do: Wipe your phone completely.

Even if you restore your phone to factory settings, people might still be able to recover deleted files. Think about that before you recycle your iPhone 5 in a few months or give it to a hobo.

Don’t: Run for political office.

Because sooner or later it’s going to come out eventually and ruin your chances. Anyone remember Anthony Weiner’s second bid for election? Exactly.

Just remember: be safe, be smart, and make him delete everything off his phone when you’re together. Oh, and make sure you’ve got dirt (dick pics or otherwise) to ensure nothing goes public. You never can be too prepared.




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