How To: Spot A Fake Bitch

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

Betches aren’t exactly known for our warm and friendly dispositions and our aversion to talking shit. That being said, betches aren’t soulless—usually—and you’ll never have to play a game of 21 questions with a betch and her closest friends to figure out if she likes you or not. (I mean as a person. Guys, you will have to play 42 questions to figure out if you’ve thawed her heart).

A girl who’s fake will always be a bitch, never a betch. I mean think about it, why would you bother spending most of your time pretending to be nice to someone you dislike when you could just like, not?

Dealing with fake bitches is a huge waste of time. We’ve come up with a list of ways to help you spot one before she sucks out your energy and your soul and “forgets” to give you your bat mitzvah present for the past 13 years.

1. She says things like “Omg I haven’t seen you in forever!!!!” but you know she only hangs out with the same 5 or so people every weekend, and you know this because she’s always tagging them in statuses and shit. Bitch, we both know why we haven’t seen each other in forever; it’s because at least one of us doesn’t want to. Quit acting like it’s a puzzle from the DaVinci code.

2. She’ll say “I’d love to get dinner, but I’m sooo broke!!” meanwhile she constantly instas fancy brunch pics. She is not broke, Ray Charles could see that. Obv she just dgaf about hanging out with you and doesn’t care if you know it.

3. She never uses less than two exclamation points for anything, even company emails. Be wary. No one should be that enthusiastic about everything.

4. She’s always “like, sooo busy.” I’m going to let you betches in on a secret: no matter how busy someone actually is (the truth of which is highly debatable), if someone wants to see you they will make time for you. We also covered this in an article, ICYMI, so not only is this girl fake, but she’s also dumb if she thinks you’re buying that excuse.

5. When anyone meets her, the first thing they’ll say about her is, “She’s so sweet!” Betches, this is a clever mind fuck perpetrated by fake bitches everywhere and the Illuminati. It’s a long-form mind game—when you think someone’s sweet you’re more likely to trust them and thus less likely to believe other people’s warnings. It's a trap! So when someone says, “Oh, Janie? Yeah, she’s so sweet!” RUN. The only sweet thing in a betch’s life should be froyo anyway.

Sure, every betch is guilty of some/all of these things every once in a while, but if you're sitting there like, "Omg, pretending I miss people I don't give a shit about is actually my hobby, whoa the betches totally nailed it!" then we suggest you get another hobby, like perhaps a course in Keeping it Real 101.




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