July 15, 2013
Oh yes, this thing! The thing I started and then promptly forgot about, like a baby carrier left on top of a car. Well, it’s back. Feast and enjoy.
Hey Head Pro,
An on and off user of Okcupid for probably a couple years now, I've seen or gone on dates with my fair share of the crazies, from recovering heroine addicts (you couldn't put that in any of the messages you sent?) to actual stalkers to the dreaded OkC manslut that's slept with half of the city including, you later find out, one of your friends (who herself has been aaaall over the internet fellas to a point of "ick"). So not too much phases me in the messages I receive.
Send me all the foot worshipers, the fell-in-love-with-you instantly bros, and bros who just say "yum" in their message, they're all just a simple ignore. However, this morning I was contacted by girl who I guess is just trying to wingman some poor sucker. The thing that gets me is that she mentions nothing describing this bro or why at 23 he's hanging onto his v-card or having his lady friends call out random betches on the internet to deflower him. How many betches is she messaging, what's the criteria here? And why doesn't she just fuck him herself? One can only assume the fugliness and/or the awkwardness, the poor thing.
On a seperate note, I was also reminded of another fantastically curious message I got a few months back, and I had to share. There's not a single place I can even begin with this one.
I've GOT to get off the internet
Get off the internet,
What. The fuck. Guys, because we’re all idiots, are prone to believing anything they read that purports to help them get laid. A lot of that information tells us to find a “wing woman,” someone who will, ostensibly, help us meet and eventually fuck women. I never really got the point of that. Sure, I guess having some ladyfriends tells the world that you’re not a serial rapist, but actually using one as a wing woman? I feel like when a girl approaches another girl in that situation, the only thought that can go through her head is “oh God this girl’s propositioning me for a threesome.” Using a wing woman is right up there with having your mom accompany you on a job interview. And on the internet? That’s just shameful. Online dating is the one place where you have every opportunity to hide your weirdness/scat fetish/virginity in the interest of finding love, and yet people tend to do the opposite. So, instead of trying their level best to keep shit under wraps until the last possible moment, you have strangers asking you about alien abduction. I weep for humanity.
So did you take his v-card or not?
Dear Head Pro,
I remember someone sending a similar email to your site. I think it's hilarious that guys actually believe this is a good line! Do they Google what to say in emails? I feel like this email is becoming an epidemic and should be stopped. I was going to reply "no thanks", but I changed my mind to "report a concern".
SLG (Sick of Lame Guys)
The answer is yes, guys are stupid and they Google what to say on the internet. In fact, they do more than that. Ever been here (I hope not)? Those are entire forums dedicated to “pickup artists” helping each other figure out what to say to score with chicks, right down to listing word-for-word canned scripts. There are different forums for every conceivable situation - Text messaging, “day game”, picking up strippers, same-night lays, etc. It’s deeply, deeply troubling. Here’s a tip - if you need shit like instructional literature and “bootcamps” to help you meet women, you are not a pickup artist. You are a tool. That’s like someone calling themselves a good singer because they sound great with Autotune.
The message you (and likely countless other women) received is almost certainly a canned and circulated email. When you break it down, you can see some of the “theory” these dweebs are applying. The message opens by being complementary in what the author hopes is an original, less-obvious way. Then, they seek to create momentary anxiety by making it sound vaguely official (note that “CLOSED” is in all caps). That’s important to them, because they believe they need you to have some kind of emotional response in order for them to get their foot in the door, so to speak (the door in this case being your vagina, and the foot their penis, or maybe their actual foot who knows). Then it immediately turns silly, because “hey look how eccentric and whimsical I am. Cheetos! In your Mouth! LOL.” The idea of the whole message is to convey, in a very small space, as many as possible things that women “look for” in a man (humor, creativity, etc.)
Obviously, this doesn’t usually work. But the next time you get a message from a guy that’s just a little too intriguing, Google it. I guarantee you’ll get a search result, because who has time to be original when there are so many BABES out there waiting to dingle my dongle?
The More You Know,
Email your online dating horror stories to Head Pro at [email protected]