January 20, 2015
Let’s face it. Unless you were one of the lucky assholes who got to escape to Hawaii or the Bahamas over Christmas break, you’re pale AF. Not only is this not cute, but the serious lack of vitamin D is making you bat shit crazy. You’re pretty much Lindsey Lohan post 2006. If you’re blessed with Italian or Latina blood of any kind, you can probably take advantage of a tanning bed without an issue; your skin takes in UV rays like a champ.
But for the rest of you, skin cancer scares and possible melanoma removal has left you pasty, pale and miles away from tanning beds. You can take Vitamin D pills to help with the psychotic behavior, but your skin is what’s really scaring people away. So, what’s a sun-deprived, slightly anemic-looking girl to do? Should she accept her colorless complexion and go the way of Nicole Kidman and countless others before her? Hell no. It’s called spray tanning and it’s about time she used it.
If you’ve ever spray tanned before, you probably know it is a true art form. Not all of us are a Real Housewife or have a Dorota to spray us down head to toe to ensure perfect coverage. We’re left to the Mystic tan machines found in the back of sketchy establishments that smell like sex shops and are run by leathery men named “Rick” or “Tony.” It may take a hundred few tries with spray tanning before you walk out and look like a real human, but with these tips, you’re sure to have everyone jealous of your oh-so-natural, semi-sun-kissed skin.
Your dry winter skin may be begging for some Lubriderm, but just say no. If you put lotion of before spray tanning, the solution won’t stick. Who cares if you’re ashy on your way in? Who are you trying to impress at the tanning salon anyway?
While it may be tempting to fuel up on some wine or stop by happy hour before a tanning session, you need to show up 100% sober. You’ll need to be your sharpest as spray tanning requires your full attention. Even just being tipsy could result in you forgetting to turn and getting a double dose of tan on your front, leaving your ass and back even paler than they were before.
This is crucial. Be sure to wipe down between your fingers, toes, and back of your ankles. Skipping this step will give away your secret. There’s no other reason you’d have orange streaks all over your hands than that you were spray tanning, badly.
Once you leave the salon you probably won’t be as repulsed by your reflection as you had been, so maybe you’ll be inspired to hit up the gym. Not so fast, dumbass. If you work out before showering, you’ll get streaks all over your body that will say two things to everyone around you: 1) you got a spray tan and are a fucking try-hard and 2) you sweat profusely and are a disgusting human being. Also, be sure to shower before going to bed (especially if you chose to use the bronzer). Maybe your extreme attentiveness to your spray tan wore you out, but unless you want your sheets to look like you fucked an oompa loompa, take a shower.
Spray tanning isn’t for everyone. There are plenty of people who can pull of the pale look (grandmas, albinos, etc), but if you decide to venture into the spray tanning world, don’t forget these life-saving tips. If you’re going to half-ass it, though, you might as well just stay home and accept your eternal state of paleness. You’ll need some sweatpants and ice cream to go with that complexion.