March 6, 2015
Getting blackout is a rite of passage for betches everywhere. What better way is there to spend a weekend than tossing back drinks, dancing on the bar, falling asleep in the gas station bathroom, etc. However, as you start getting older, it’s time to reassess the situation. Am I recommending you limit your alcohol consumption and start maturing into a responsible adult? Absolutely not. You just have to be party smart because as time goes by, years aren’t the only thing you start gaining. In college, it felt like alcohol was a fat-burning fuel that never affected your year-round spring break bod, but now it seems to be holding you back from your previously flawless figure.
It’s important to know who the actual enemy is in this situation. Is alcohol the only one to blame? Would cutting out alcohol completely get you to bikini model status? Probably…but who would be there to comfort you after a long day if your favorite bottle of wine is out of the picture? And why would you flaunt your beach-ready bod during spring break if you aren’t going to pair it with a red solo cup? Also, if you cut it out completely, you’d most likely chase after some other vice like ice cream or complex carbs, and that shit isn’t cute. So let’s talk about some ways that you can stay skinny without having to lose the booze.
In case you haven’t heard/are a complete idiot, beer has a shit ton of calories. Having just one won’t ruin anything, but that is tricky to do. You can’t even get a buzz from that so you will likely have a few more until you feel the effects. 600 calories later you are semi-drunk, feeling bloated and looking like someone who wandered out of a trailer park. You can compromise and do the light beer thing, but we all know those are just watered down versions of shitty beer…not to mention they taste like ass.
If you’re planning on getting white girl wasted but don’t want to consume your week's worth of calories, you don’t want to go crazy at dinner. If you fill up on food, you’re going to have to drink more to reach your preferred level of intoxication. That means more calories, more money spent, and more time. However, not eating enough can have the adverse effect. Skipping multiple meals before excessive alcohol consumption can result in the most unfortunate of situations: projectile vomiting in a passerby’s face, laying down in a pile of trash outside the bar, having a late-night feast of macaroni and cheese, etc.
Soda water that is. Most mixers are a no-no since they have tons of sugar (cranberry juice, sprite, etc.). Even tonic water has over 100 calories in one can. Soda water is great because it has zero calories and it won’t make your drink taste like shit. A vodka soda with lime is always a classic choice. It’s clear, doesn’t have any of that sweet-and-sour shit, and gives the vibe that you’re ready to party.
I know this is pretty much impossible. Stopping a blackout betch from inhaling a pizza at 3 am is pretty tough, but you’ve got to keep your inner fat girl at bay. You might not be able to stop yourself from picking up something to-go before your Uber shows up, but you can control what happens once you get home. Make sure your refrigerator and freezer are only stocked with healthy options (this should always be the case anyway). Eating a Chobani is far less worrisome than finishing off a pint of Ben and Jerry’s. However, this probably won’t even be an issue because once your drunk self raids the house for calorie-ridden foods and finds nothing, she will probably skip out on the healthy stuff and just go to bed.
Hopefully by using these techniques you too can have it all. If you’re ever unsure about how a drink will affect your waistline, don’t order it. It’s probably full of sugar and calories you don’t need. It’s better to just get to the point and adhere to the always sound advice of LMFAO and Lil John: shots.