How To Succeed In Rush By Trying Way Too Fucking Hard

By The Betches

Hey betches. Do you have a shitty personality and a fugly face? Do you have a horrible wardrobe and conversational skills on par with a brick wall? Do you have a mother with no dreams of her own who would like to live vicariously through your success in college? Despite all of these things do you still want to rush a sorority and gain social advancement through your association with people cooler than you? If the answer to all of these questions is yes then we have great news for you!

The New York Times has highlighted a new phenomenon where mothers can hire 'rush coaches' for their daughters (like at this website) at about $150 an hour to teach their daughters how to be a normal functioning human who can carry on the world's greatest fake conversation. The best news is, it's all in the name of rush and giving off the impression for 40 minutes that you're way more normal and awesome than in reality! Our favorite lines from the article include:

"One coach who offers a Friday-to-Sunday intensive, for $8,000. One day is devoted to carrying yourself properly and the art of conversation...Avoid politics and religion. “I teach them how to make interesting small talk: what you saw at the cinema, a trip to Europe. I don’t know too many 20-year-olds who are having a debate about economics.” Another day is for getting physically ready — hair, makeup and wardrobe. Ms. von Sperling organizes “outfits down to accessories, completely strategized.” Just in case a client forgets, outfits are photographed and placed in a style file."

For only $8,000 your daughter can learn to talk about her trip to the South of France and that time she saw The Dictator in the most coherent way possible. If she's especially retarded, we'll even take pictures of her in the outfits we picked out just in case she can't remember how to do complicated things like put on a cardigan.

"Sundresses by Lilly Pulitzer, the designer of happily hued clothing, are particulary popular for August rush. Two years ago, the company introduced the “Sorority Line” — totes, scarves, makeup bags and the like — using chapters’ colors and symbols." 

If your daughter is lacking in things like creativity, originality, and insight, there's hope for her yet! She can just buy the entire Lilly Pulitzer sorority collection and she gets to look exactly like everyone else and could possibly be mistaken for a WASB with money!

"One rushee states, “It’s going to be stressful — not only making a decision for the next four years but for friends you will have for the rest of your life.” Because the experience can be so emotional, consultants provide “on-call services.”

If your daughter has a shitty personality and is also prone to emotional breakdowns, she will probably not have any friends throughout college if you fuck this up. Thankfully for only $50 an hour, rush counselors can be on call during your daughters mental breakdowns and suicide attempts so you don't have to! Outsourcing rules!

“I lost six pounds that week,” recalls Julie Baselice, whose daughter Christina is now a Chi Omega at the University of Texas. “It was the most stressful experience of my life.” As for Christina, she is grateful for the counsel of Marjorie Burciaga, an Austin, Tex., consultant, on how to handle herself during recruitment events. “It’s so easy to go in there and start talking, talking, talking,” she says. “You need to learn how to have a filter.”

If you're a mom with absolutely no life who's a particular brand of psychotic and actually lets things like a college sorority affect her weight fluctuations, we won't be able to help you be a real contributing member of society but rest at ease, we'll postpone your daughter's bulimia until after pledging is over! In all seriousness any mother who names rush as "the most stressful experience of her life" deserves to be burned alive and forced to watch the movie Couples Retreat.

"One obvious reason for rejection is inadequate grades. At the national level, sororities set a grade-point average, and individual sororities often raise the bar. Beyond that, candidates can rarely discern why a sorority rejects them."

We know exactly why the sorority rejects them and so do you, candidates. It's because you're ugly. Case closed.

"Madeline D’Arcambal Braun, a Manhattan native entering her junior year at Indiana University Bloomington, says she had “absolutely no idea” why she wasn’t asked back. She dropped out of rush freshman year after the houses she wanted didn’t invite her back. “It’s exactly like a breakup. That’s how this feels.”

It's exactly like a breakup except if a guy broke up with you because you had shitty grades or couldn't intrigue him with your conversation about how interesting your child psych major is and thought your Lilly Pulitzer dress was just too flowery.

 

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