February 27, 2015
It’s rare but it happens. One minute a betch is living her life in peace, and the next her mom tells her she’s going on a family reunion cruise because her grandbetch decided she can’t walk anymore. The world doesn’t revolve around you Grandma…
Your first instinct should rightfully be to get out of it. On a cruise ship you are literally trapped in a 900 foot moving shit show of fat Americans, screaming children and overzealous cruise directors trying to get you to play the dating game. At moments it may seem like the Jamaica Instagram will be worth it, but likely, no amount of alcohol is ever going to make it worth your while. If you can’t get out of it, there are at least some steps you can take to avoid needing to jump overboard.
First off, you need to make it apparent that you own this ship the second you step on board. Look hot, just in case you get lucky and there’s actually a good bro on board who you can hook up with all week and then never speak to again. Or better yet, the captain. There has to be at least one crew member on this ship that isn't gay, right?!?!? Get well acquainted with all the ship bartenders and let them know when you say a Corona, you actually mean a cup of vodka with a splash of soda.
As soon as you get just to the point of blacking out and being rocked into a full pass out, all these sirens are going to go off and you’ll think you may be seeing the light. Really, it’s just a safety drill. Undoubtedly, you’re not going to listen to a thing said during the drill because you’ll still be scouting out at least one hot guy on this fucking ship. Then, you’re going to spend the rest of the trip having anxiety that the ship’s going to hit an iceberg mid-Caribean sea and you’re not even going to know how to pack your SOS bag.
The rest of your evening is going to be filled with bonding with randos who you don’t want to talk to but your alcohol intake will have an agenda of its own. The next morning in the buffet line (barf) you’re going to get waved and winked at by a middle-aged lady with a bicep tattoo and a kid on a leash and you’ll question yourself a lot. Luckily, this is the point when the boat docks and you can escape her.
Strongly suggested from there to just book yourself a hotel for the week and stay on the island, because betches and cruising just don’t mix, no matter how strong the tequila is.