June 11, 2014
You networked your ass off, you wrote a resume that didn’t suck, you went on a couple interviews and clearly didn’t mess it up too bad, because you got a job offer. Congratulations, betch! You’re officially in the 60%...approximately, of college grads who have jobs.
Now you have to actually go to work. Since betches don’t like change (if we did, we might have expanded our friend group beyond the ones we made in a playpen), a betch’s first day of work is really anxiety-inducing. What should I wear? How many ‘bathroom breaks’ can I take before someone starts getting suspicious? Do people really congregate around the water cooler?
Here are some common problems you might experience on your first day on the job. Read our tips so you don’t show up to the office on Xanax…we hear that’s generally frowned upon.
Timing is key, just as it is for everything in life. Contrary to popular belief, a job is the one thing a betch is never fashionably late for. But at the same time, showing up half an hour early is just super awk, you basically have to sit there and resist the itch to text while your boss figures out what the hell to do with you.
The Solution: Get there early, but not too early. No more than like, 15 minutes or so. That way you give the appearance of going the extra mile without actually going any extra miles. Also you can get away with checking Facebook, probably.
Does everyone bring their lunch and just eat at their desks? Do they go out? On the one hand, if everyone goes out for sushi, you don’t want to be known as the weird tupperware girl. On the other hand, you don’t want to pass out from low blood sugar if it turns out everyone brings their own lunch. On the other other hand, you can always make room for sushi.
The Solution: Snacks on snacks on snacks. If anyone asks, just say you “eat 6 small meals throughout the day to maximize your metabolism” and now instead of being the new girl, all of a sudden you’re “the new healthy girl whose diet I should try.” Also, whatever you bring needs to be eaten in the most discreet manner possible. Nothing crunchy, loud, or with a crinkly plastic wrapper. We already covered the special level of hell that’s reserved for people who eat obnoxiously in public. If you eat a tuna sandwich on your first day of work or heat up Indian food in the microwave, first of all, ew. Second of all, you’ll never be allowed to sit with us. Or anyone else, for that matter.
Until further notice, you are the squid.
The Solution: Don’t talk too much. Like def talk a little bit because you don’t want anyone to think you're the weirdo who one day is going to come shoot up the office. But also take a break from talking about yourself (for once) so you can gather valuable intel. Use your superior powers of deductive betch reasoning. What’s the vibe of the office like? How does the social hierarchy go down? Who should you avoid like herpes, and who should you make your 9-5 partner in crime? This is the day to soak up all the secrets. That’s why your hair is so big.
You’re expected to do shit…ugh, doing shit.
The Solution: First impressions are everything, and work is no exception. You know how they say if you’re a teacher, you’re supposed to be an asshole on the first day so the kids are afraid of you, and then you gradually become more chill as time progresses? Similar idea. Grin and bear it on the first day so your boss thinks you do other things than browse Pinterest for 8 hours. Also it would be pretty embarrassing to have to explain to people why you got fired on day 1. Do enough from the start and you can slowly but surely get by with putting in less and less effort. Don’t do too much work though, you don’t want to set the bar too high for yourself and end up being expected to do like 3 people’s jobs. Nobody likes a TTH. Okay, maybe your boss might, but you definitely don’t, so don’t become one.
At least if you survive your first day you can definitely have a few drinks at happy hour without feeling guilty because you #earnedit. #lovemyjob. So pat yourself on the back for becoming a “responsible” and “functioning” member of society, and welcome to the world of never having summer vacation ever again.