March 7, 2014
She’s old, she’s sassy, and doesn’t have a fucking clue how to use the internet. No matter what you call her (Grams, Nana, or Bubby for the JABS), our grandmothers have played a crucial part in how we’ve turned out today (which is awesome, obviously). So sit back and read on as we pay homage to the old lady versions of ourselves.
From the day we were born our grandmas have given us valuable lessons in the art of #1 talking shit. Early on you realized she was the best person to go to for family gossip. I mean, how else would have found out that your aunt was married before or that your dad used to be, like, a huge stoner? Grandmas also know plenty of gossip from outside the family. Did you hear about the Feinstien’s divorce? Or about her friend Marge’s daughter’s drinking problem? Well Grandma has and she wants to tell you allll about it. Sure every story she tells involves the race of all people involved, but that's just part of her old ass charm.
Grandmas also provide us with plenty of laughs, and not necessarily on purpose. Trying to teach her about anything tech related always gives you plenty of quotes to text your besties (or sister, since she’s probs the only one who finds them as funny as you do). For the last time, Grandma, it is not an “email number” nor is anyone going to “give you a Facebook” for Christmas.
Betchy grandmas know the secret to getting us to come visit them: location, location, location. Because she also hates being cold, your grandma probs spends the winter (or even the whole year) in a warm weather area like South Florida, Arizona, or SoCal giving you the perfect excuse to go focus on your tan for a week. But Dad, who cares if I miss class? It’s family bonding!
Much like us, our grandmas live lives that are all about not doing work but also, like, really socially demanding. With painting class at 9, water aerobics at 1, and dinner with Marge at 5 she’s booked up! It’s not her fault she’s so popular.
The best thing about our grandmas is that they’ve showed us getting old is just an excuse to say whatever the fuck you want. You can come right out and say whatever’s on your mind and people will brush it off as you “losing your filter”. Other family members might get offended, but betches know the truth: Grandma is just keeping it real. I mean, someone had to tell that Aunt Debbie that dress did nothing for her figure.
There you have it, betches. Now go give your grandma a call and listen to her bitch about the other women at bridge club. She’ll love that. Remember, you’re only as betchy as the 82 woman who taught you her ways.