February 20, 2015
It is pretty undeniable that the biggest reason betches love their grandmothers’ starts with a trust and ends with a fund. But if your grandmother is also a DL total betch, her net worth is only a small reason to be obsessed with her. True, sometimes its hard to see a grandma’s inner-betchiness when she buys an occasional sweater set at Chico’s, but likely, a true betch has an even betchier grandmother because the shot never falls far from the bottle.
The first telltale sign that your grandma is a total betch is if she gets fucked up everyday before noon. Likely, she’ll cut suspicions about her candyland habit by pretending that she doesn’t even like taking her pills. Then, she’ll go ahead and double her dosage of daily Vicodin to treat her hangover from bingo ailing back. Sometimes a betchy grandmother will even “accidently” take her bedtime sleeping pill in the morning just out of boredom. If she ever gets called out, she can simply just play the dementia card and everyone has to believe her because she’s old as shit. Talk about the art of manipulation.
Plus, betchy grandmothers love nothing more than talking shit at the assisted living home with their other besties at brunch. They’ll all get together around noon wearing fur in Tucson and then refuse to be seated anywhere but the patio because the A/C is on too high. After ordering rounds of gin and tonics and talking shit about how fast Meryl jumped Jim’s bones after her husband died, they’ll all pass the fuck out at 4 p.m. and blame blacking out on age-induced memory loss.
The most important role of betchy grandmothers in our lives though is to say all the things that betches can’t say for reasons of political correctness. Under the guise of dementia, grandmas can spit out at any family function comments such as “I never thought I’d see the day of having a Mexican marry into the family” or “Honestly when my grandson came out as gay it was my personal Pearl Harbor.” Besides blurting out whatever is on her mind, a betchy grandmother will take any opportunity to make a family function all about herself just to get some attention. There’s nothing she loves more than stirring up a little family drama about her will just to entertain herself. Respect, grandma, respect.
So betches, if your grandma is 90 but self-proclaims herself as "not looking a day over 65" because she’s gotten three facelifts and was more invested in your sorority preference night choice than you were, you know you’ve got yourself a grandbetch.