September 12, 2011
In this day and age, texting is by far the main form of communication among social circles. Knowing what to say and when to say it is pivotal in the image that you give off as a betch. So what’re the betchiest ways to text?
What you’re allowed to text about: It’s weird to initiate texting over mundane things. Save that for ichat, when the other person is clearly bored. If you’re texting me with a “hey what’s up” you better be following that up with details about the #23 pregame tonight or something at least as exciting as that you finally set the date for your nose job. God knows you needed it.
It’s poor etiquette to text a betch things that could waste her time like, “I’m getting a manicure” or, “So I’ve decided that headbands are now my thing.” What you say should have high entertainment value.
When a casual conversation is over: Ends with “thanks” or any variation on “okay.”
How to strategically avoid people: With texting as opposed to #34 BBM, this has become a lot easier. Now you can find out that Rachel wants you to pick her up from the airport without her knowing whether or not you’ve seen it. Now you can ignore her because you were "napping."
How to strategically avoid plans: When someone texts you to see what you’re doing, and you just know the follow-up is going to be “wanna chill?” the iPhone gives you the ability to buy some time while you conveniently go “run errands with your mom.”
At night: Oh no, Lauren just texted me and wants to know if we’re pregaming tonight… You now announce this to the room and depending on if she’s the #48 Dud or just generally disliked, everyone will start #80 bitching “ugh no, sorry, she can’t.”
“Tell her there’s no room on the couch or that we were gonna have a pregame but there’s no alcohol…or chasers…”
That way, it becomes win-win. If she doesn’t come, that’s great. If she does, now you have more alcohol.
Caveat: be wary of your use of social media while ignoring others. Like, if you're ignoring your friend but you answer the group chat that she's also in...congrats, you just blew up your own spot. Same with tweeting from your phone. I know you're not dead! At least pretend like you're doing something else.
How to become a text psychopath: Consistently texting the same person more than three times (Side Note: it used to be 1, and then BBM came around which is like instant messaging so it was kind of okay to send multiple messages. Because of that we’ll allow 3 now.) Any more than that and you’re annoying/harassing. Especially if, after your three texts, the person responds with the “kk.”
The “kk” is NOT your excuse to initiate a new topic.
The only time you call someone is: when you’re talking to your grandma or your parents, just so that the conversation ends quicker. And you’re allowed to call your friend, but only if you’re waiting for her because she’s fucking late.
Never leave a voicemail unless that’s going to be: “I’m fucking leaving without you bitch.”
Assuming you don't have a boyfriend, you should never EVER call a guy. Unless it’s to tell him you’re pregnant and it’s his.
Initiating texts with guys (Daytime): Do this seldom, and never twice before the guy has initiated at least once. And only if you have a reason to text him a specific thing that he would find interesting. You never begin with a “hey, what’s up” without an extremely worthwhile follow-up or an invitation to the pregame that your apartment’s hosting later that night. Ever.
Like we said you would never say “hey, what’s up” to a girl, so you CLEARLY should never say it to a guy. It’s too obvious. There's a special spot reserved in hell for guys who are so lame that they have to offer girls their number. The treasure does not do the hunting. This guy should know that you have more important things to do than casually “check in” with him. You’re not his parole officer or his fucking head camp counselor.
Also, always be sure to wait anywhere from 10 minutes to 2 hours before answering any texts from guys, even if you saw it immediately. The bigger asshole you're texting, the longer you should wait. I mean, sure you could be a complete loser with no life that has nothing to do all day but constantly check her phone, but he doesn't have to know that....
You don’t send texts, you just get them. And none for Gretchen Wieners.
If a guy does not text you after you have initiated texting with him, he is NOT into you.
Initiating and Ending Conversations (Daytime, boys and girls): You should generally try to avoid being the last text, as letting someone else have the last word means that you are ending the conversation. Winning.
Unless of course you’re fighting with your #69 bestie, in which case you will continue to confront her until you have the last word on why Lady Gaga is really annoying and not creative and original like she tries to be.
But with a guy, you definitely don’t want to have the last word. If you do, it means he stopped caring first. Who starts and ends the conversation is a big deal in terms of the game.
Late Night Texting: is defined as an initiated after 10:30pm and before 5am, usually on the weekends.
In other words, at 2pm, you cannot text a guy “hey what’s up” with nothing to back it up, but after 10:30 at night, this phrase has a new meaning, mainly: Are you interested in having sex with me tonight?
Less points if you initiate the drunk late-night meet up, but at least it means you’re not the one being booty called, rather you are the booty caller. Generally best to avoid though because down the road it may lead to rejection on any given night. Very risky. This is unless of course he’s your #89 BBB and you don’t really care.
You should never initiate late-night #79 sexting. It should be inferred, never blatantly said. It’s all about suggesting to “hang out.” There's lots of things we can do at 3am.
Deleting Texts: Frankly we would rather look at photos of dismembered natural disaster victims than the unanswered “I miss you” from Saturday night. You can’t be looking at that shit every time you look in your inbox. Deleting is necessary sometimes.
Saving Texts: You keep around that conversation where that #53 SAB said something sweet to you. See!
Now, the iPhone allows you bring to pick and choose which texts to delete, not just entire conversations. If you find yourself in a place of constantly deleting bad shit and saving only nice shit, you’re feeding into your own #70 delusion. Texting isn’t fucking PhotoShop. While you can accentuate the background in a picture to make your arm look skinnier, you CANNOT crop out the part of the convo where you told Ben you shaved for him.
The ?: You’ve all gotten and sent the question mark before. The question mark is an extremely passive-aggressive move because it usually comes from a place of latent anger and growing tension with someone. It’s like, “this is my last fucking warning before I start #1 talking shit about you. Don’t make me pull out the call.” You know you’re in deep shit when you’re getting a call.
The question mark with a guy: No.
Bottom Line: As in all aspects of life, maintaining the upper hand in any situation is always of the essence. Texts are hard evidence so make sure you think through the texting vibe you give off and what your texts say to others. It only takes a few faulty, annoying texts to turn you into the guy I only text for a ride home from the train station or the girl I only message for a copy of her take home final.
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing