November 5, 2014
So after reading about Happn (the app that matches you with people you’ve crossed paths with IRL) I figured I’d give it a shot because it sounded slightly less sketchy than Tinder. Also, who wouldn’t want a way to get to know the bro who’s constantly trying to eye fuck you at Starbucks every morning or the guy you pretend to lift weights next to at the gym. Protip: try and use the app on Sunday because you can sit at home hungover as fuck watching SVU and peruse the guys you crossed paths with on Saturday night.
So after waiting a few days until I was finally mobile, the matches starting rolling in quicker than “I hate Mondays” statuses on your feed today. JK I’m not really that conceited but I did start to get a few. The upside of Happn is that you have less people who think posting a pic of their dog as their profile pic is a totally legitimate dating strategy, so there’s that.
Anyway, so eventually I matched with this guy that I crossed paths with a few times on my way to work and at a bar and we both liked each other. He sent me a charm and the rest is history. Anyway I decided to meet up with him because a) he seemed normal and not like a serial killer and b) I was bored. In case you forgot betches love free shit, and dinner is no exception. So I agreed to go out with this guy after work one day at a pizza place that was within walking distance from work. Pretty much everything would’ve been good except nothing’s ever easy when I’m involved. So instead of doing a play-by-play of how the date went (fine, he didn’t try to kiss me at the end, we went out a couple more times but nothing serious came from it, are you happy now?) I’m going to tell you my top tips for preparing for your first Happn date. Disclaimer: these tips might only apply to me.
1. Do some research and some Facebook stalking to make sure this guy isn't the type that loves Lord of the Rings, or worse, a nice guy. I mean, you’ve crossed paths with this guy a few times so he can’t be that weird right?
2. Make a plan to meet somewhere within walking distance of where you work, so you have no time to change out of your sweater, leggings, and boots. Cause, y’know:
3. Realize that since you were running late this morning (as usual), you forgot to put on makeup this morning.
5. Notice a CVS right next to the pizza place. It’s definitely not ideal, but it’ll have to do. Even though you just said “if he can’t handle me at my worst, he sure as hell doesn’t deserve me at my best,” no one should really be subject to seeing this betch sans makeup. Revlon it is.
6. Proceed to apply said makeup in your car. This makes you late for the date, but beauty is more important than timeliness, obvs.
7. Walk into the restaurant, and feel comforted that you’ve already stationed a table of your besties to sit nearby and keep an eye on you, just in case any weird shit went down. JK, you didn’t do that. You’re on your own, betch.