Dear Betch...

By The Betches

Dear Betch,

I admit it. I'm skinny and pretty and pretty much every guy wants me and every girl wants to be me. But for a while now, this butch (not betch) in my circle of friends has been making some serious moves on me. Not only does she never drink at parties, but she insists on accompanying me to the bathroom and always remarks about how good my boobs look. She cried when I refused to join her in her prom limo, and I'm pretty sure she stole one of my lacy thongs the other day when we were swimming at one of my fellow betch's houses (it was NOT there when I went back in to change). Anyways, this situation is creeping me out, and no matter how hard I ignore her, she never seems to get the point. How do I stop this girl from obsessing over me without being overly rude?


Everybody Wants Me

Dear Everybody Wants Me,

Have you ever seen the movie The Roommate? Well if you haven’t, we highly recommend you to set aside an hour and a half to watch it. We don’t mean to scare you, but if you aren’t embellishing about how seemingly obsessed this “butch” is, then we suggest you get the fuck away.

Betches are awe-inspiring and impressive people, and it comes as no surprise that almost everyone wants to be like us. But there is a fine line between jealousy and infatuation. If this has gone so far that you’re convinced the bitch is stealing your undergarments, then maybe you should confront her. Take a note from Mariah, “Why you so obsessed with me?”

The confrontation is key. If she admits that she is a lesbian, then fear not, she’s just a betch with a crush. But if she says something along the lines of, “I just want to be your friend!” Run, betch, run.

Good luck, and remember if you decide to run, the “butch” might follow, so stay fucking far away from us. Thanks.


The Betches


Dear Betch,

Let me just express how truly brilliant and witty your site is. That being said, I trust you all to help me out. I've been dating my boyfriend for over a year and his bros, for some sick reason, hate my guts. We're long distance so they never fail to rip on me via twitter and facebook. I've tried the whole "I don't give a fuck" mindset but it's not really working out at this point. Betch, please help me. They're just being fucking assholes and I don't know how to make them feel as shitty as I do now. I'm not clingy or annoying, I'm pretty low maintenance. Is it just a bro thing?


Hoes before Bros?


Dear Hoes before Bros,

We won’t lie, you’re in a tough position. Clearly your boyfriend’s friends are jealous and really fucking immature. Using Twitter as a platform for talking shit is for people with the maturity level of a 7th grade girl. So keep your head up betch, these bros just miss your boyfriend’s attention. Our predication is that they might be gay, but we can’t make such assumptions because we don’t know them or you.

We want to tell you to not give a shit, because that’s what betches do. But there is another route you can take. If your friends are attractive betches, then introduce them to your boyfriend’s friends! They’ll think you’re chill because you have hot friends that will hook up with them. After this, they will leave you alone. It’s a proven betch fact. However, if your friends are ugly and/or annoying then you should definitely not try this route as your boyfriend's guy friends will lump them in with you.

Also, if you really aren't an annoying girlfriend like you claim to not be, then you should expect your boyfriend to be sticking up for you. If he isn't, then sorry betch, but he's a fucking dickhead. Your boyfriend should be kissing the ground you walk on. If you settle for anything less, stop referring to yourself as a betch.

Get it right, it isn't hoes before bros. Your boyfriend wouldn’t have stayed with you this long if he agreed with his friends or if he thought you were a hoe.

Betches before Bros. Fucking duh.

Sincerely, The Betches



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