I Can't Orgasm During Sex, WTF Do I Do? Ask a Pro | Betches

I Can't Orgasm During Sex, WTF Do I Do? Ask a Pro

By The Betches

Dear Head Pro,


I’m embarrassed to be sending this email, but I think you give good advice and, as you’ll see from the nature of my question, I really can’t think of anyone else to ask. I know there have been a lot of sex-related questions being posted lately, so I’m sorry I can’t give you fresher material. Here’s the core problem, I think: I have no idea how to communicate with the guy I’m with about bedroom stuff.

Here’s the situation, and secondary problem: I can orgasm while masturbating, no problem, but with him, and every other guy I’ve been with (you can count them on two hands), it’s never happened, not even close. Sex is uncomfortable for me physically, which I think is because guys watch a lot of porn where the guy makes out with the girl for 15 seconds, then she sucks his dick, then they fuck and she orgasms super loudly, and the guys I’ve been with have grown to expect something along those lines. Maybe every other girl is like this, I’m not unfortunately, but because I like whoever I’m with, I deal with the moderate pain that comes with sex because I know they enjoy it, plus I don’t want to be the awkward bossy girl who’s telling them what to do in bed. That sounds stupid, it probably is, but that’s just how I feel, and it’s led to things being kind of unbalanced. I go down on guys, and they cum every fucking time. They go down on me (far less often by the way), but it never happens, it just feels okay, kind of. I’ve even tried out sleeping with older, out-of-college guys, and it makes no difference - the guys in their thirties are just as unsatisfying.

Just so you know, I never fake it. I have never stooped that low. Obviously I’m not sitting there drumming my fingers, but I’m not doing porn-quality fake orgasms just to make a guy feel like he’s the man. Before I was with this particular guy, who I really have grown to care about a lot, I never really made it far enough into a relationship to consider that time might not resolve this never-orgasming-with-another-person problem. But, here we are.

I want to be able to have a good sex life with this super cool guy, but I have no idea how to approach telling him how unsatisfied I’ve been. The Internet’s reply? “If you aren’t mature enough to talk about sex, you’re not mature enough to have sex,” which I really don’t think is fair for every situation. I’m a modest person and I’m pretty shy, I don’t kiss and tell, I don’t like talking to people about body or sex-related stuff - even telling this guy I can’t have sex because I’m on my period is painful for me, because ew. But does that make me too immature for sex? If so, I might as well just move to a fucking convent already.

The thing is, what I really want is for him, or any of these stupid guys (no offense, HP, I know there are exceptions), to care enough to ask me why it’s not working for me. I even told him once, after sex when we were talking, that even though it sometimes felt good, I’d never orgasmed, and I wasn’t sure why. Part of me wanted him to ask why not, or if he could be doing something to make it better for me. He just sort of nodded/shrugged, almost like “that sucks". I know what you might be thinking: deal breaker, deal breaker, deal fucking breaker, he should care more than that, but I do really like this guy and I’d like to at least try to make him understand. Anything I’ve read says to either A. talk to him bluntly about it, which if I could do I wouldn’t have a problem, or B. basically, do it yourself, and I’m really not trying to be touching myself when we’re fucking - that’s supposed to be his job, right? If I do that, it should be because it’s another stupid thing guys think is hot, not because it’s physically necessary in order for me to get off, right?? Or maybe not, what the fuck do I know, I’m writing you this email. It’s not like I can ask my friends, who not only know this guy very well, but also talk about their amazing sex lives and tell me I overthink things. They’re not wrong, but that doesn’t really help, because I can’t turn off my brain.

Sorry I’ve written a long fucking email and no succinct question, but I’ve proofread it a couple times because I care. I’d really appreciate your thoughts.

Sincerely,

Screamless in Seattle

P.S. I’m not making a new email address just to send you this email, that’s lame, and for some reason, I’m not embarrassed to ask you this question, just anyone I actually know.

Dear Screamless,

Jesus. Ok. You have, like, a whole bunch of issues you need to work out. Obviously, the first thing you need to address is the problem of discomfort, which you likely recognize as not how sex should typically work. Lube is always helpful for that; fill your bathtub with it and fuck in there, if need be. It’s also apparent that you’re not having your “pump” properly “primed,” which is a pretty common issue. I don’t know what to tell you there, since you seem adamant about things improving without taking any action of your own. If talking about foreplay is “icky” to you, try other ways of relaxing. Have a glass of wine, or 5. Have him give you a massage (a sexy massage). Literally whatever it takes to get your mind and body to relax. Hell, why not experiment with diddling yourself (privately, if you have to) beforehand, since that doesn’t seem to be a problem for you.

If you can’t seem to get sex to stop hurting, you might need to see a doctor, or several doctors. There could be physical issues, yes, but it could also be mental: If sex is always uncomfortable and unsatisfying for you, then it’s not unreasonable for your body to anticipate (and brace for) discomfort and dissatisfaction. Getting over that hump will require more help than an internet column can provide.

With that out of the way, you seem to have an extremely distorted idea of what sex is, and how sex works. Ultimately, no one is responsible for your own pleasure but you. Yes, convention dictates that since men typically have an easier time getting off, they expend some effort to make sure you do as well. I appreciate that you want your partner to make magic happen, but if touching yourself is one guaranteed way to make that happen, for instance, what’s your hangup with at the very least exploring that option? Yes, it’s a little obtuse and immature that he’s not more concerned with why you aren’t climaxing, but just as immature are your notions about what “should” and “shouldn’t” be your “job” when it comes to sex. It’s not “bossy” to tell a guy what you like and what you want, but it’s pretty friggin obnoxious to expect him to figure it out on his own when you refuse to help yourself.

Sex, generally speaking, is not particularly “sexy” - it’s about doing what needs to be done so both parties enjoy themselves. That’s why couples unabashedly introduce toys, kinks and all sorts of other shit into the bedroom: Nothing’s out of bounds (within reason) if it makes things better for everyone involved. You don’t even need all that - you just need to communicate more. And yet, you’ve included in your email the worst thing you could say to an advice columnist: “Don’t tell me to do XYZ, because if I could do that, I wouldn’t need advice.”

If it helps, think of it less as talking to him and more like talking WITH him. Afterall, there are two of you, so a dialogue makes sense. Try saying “I’ve never orgasmed during sex before, ever, but I need your help in order to change that.” That’s a good place to start. If he’s open to continuing the dialogue and learning more, then you’re getting somewhere. If he still just shrugs his shoulders and says “that sucks,” well, maybe it really is time to find someone more considerate.

And if you can’t do any of that? If you can’t get over the “ick” factor of discussing common biological processes, seeking help, or getting over the misplaced princess concept that somehow leads you to believe it’s up to others to make your sexual satisfaction their problem? In that case, the internet is right: If you can’t be bothered to take control of your sex life, you don’t need to be having it at all.

15 minutes worth of kisses,

Head Pro




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LET IT OUT, HONEY

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