54. Iced Coffee

By The Betches

So summer has arrived and that means we're due for a change of beverage. It’s time to throw away your hot water with lemon in exchange for the ultimate heaven in a glass. Iced fucking coffee.

For a betch, iced coffee is an accessory. Ever since high school when we got our drivers' licenses, betches everywhere knew that the key to looking like the shit was strutting down the hall, dangling the keys to your new BMW and of course, sipping your gigantic iced coffee that you got on your free period. Iced coffee is the ultimate accessory because it goes with anything: sunglasses, summer scarf, iPhone, manicure, you fucking name it.

Some may wonder how a beverage can be a status symbol, but you haven’t really lived until you’re seen walking down the street with a six-dollar styrofoam cup of brewed beans.


Iced coffee is itself a diet because it keeps you full for hours. Every true betch knows the effective diet strategy of waking up at 1 pm, drinking a huge iced coffee, going to the gym, then coming home to nap before going out. Voila, your calorie intake for the day is equivalent to two tablespoons of skim milk.

For the super health conscious aka anorexic betch, unsweetened iced tea is acceptable, especially if it’s a flavor that Britney Spears was seen drinking in OK!

Having an addiction to iced coffee became a problem at only one point in our lives: abroad. If someone had told us that it was harder to find a quality iced coffee in Europe than it is to find Tupac’s killer we might have gone to like, South America or some shit. A cup of coffee next to a glass of ice? No thank you, ice melts. Fucking duh.

Speaking of abroad, let’s talk about some lessons we learned when we were over there. Who needs Ex-Lax when you have coffee and cigarettes? (So Euro chic! And my diet’s organic!) Cigarette from abroad, iced coffee from America. Eat outside while wearing sunglasses and you barely have to listen to the person you're eating with.

A true betch knows that you can NEVER order an iced coffee with half & half or sugar. Drinking iced coffee isn't an excuse to eat fucking dessert. If we wanted to have to throw up after drinking something we’d order fucking tequila shots. And none of this light frapuccino bullshit, we’re not in 7th grade.

For those of you who took debate class: Splenda vs. Equal. Splenda is way trendier and therefore better. We don’t know why, just fucking use it.

Now, some doctors and annoying people will preach that caffeine is a drug and we should limit our intake of it. It goes without saying that this isn’t an issue for betches. An addiction to caffeine is as big of a concern for us as Charlie Sheen’s children are to him. So if you’re not drinking Diet Coke, or the most expensive water you can find, iced coffee is the way to go. Start drinking hot coffee and you’re a hop, skip, and a jump away from wearing fanny packs and drinking cappuccinos with hipster freaks.


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