March 5, 2015
The original bastard of sarcasm, Molière, once said, “The greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it.” Clearly, he was talking about what to order at Starbucks when it’s cold as balls outside.
To drink the #54 iced coffee or to not drink the iced coffee has been the question for betches every since it started snowing outside, and for a societal problem this big, there are no easy answers.
On one side of the debate, ordering an iced coffee in negative temperatures is the equivalent of walking around at 2 a.m. with your sunglasses on. You’ll certainly give the always desirable fuck-off vibe, make some wonder if you’re on ecstasy, and also be cold. In other words, you’ll look like a fucking idiot.
But on the other hand, if it’s too cold for the iced coffee, then what the hell are you supposed to drink? A 300-calorie latte? The only solution to not being a fat ass and being less cold is ordering a drip coffee black, but something about drinking regular coffee makes you feel like an accountant in a cubicle with a favorite Star Wars mug and a ranking on Minecraft. At least you don’t put coffee-mate in yours.
Whichever way you look at it, it’s a delicate issue. A personal choice, if you will. There’s always the hot Americano, which tastes like a shittier version of regular coffee but makes you feel more like you’re on drugs, so probably worth the sacrifice. Or, you could just move to Miami. I would just move to Miami.