I'm Jealous Of My Famous DJ Boyfriend's Groupies - Ask A Pro

Send your questions about life, love and fuck buddies to [email protected]. You can also follow me and twitter and Instagram at @betchesheadpro, but I'll warn you: It's 90% dick pics.


We're over halfway through summer now, and that means it's prime time for lame corporate happy hours. And I'll tell you, there is literally nothing worse than when your go-to bar is hosting a happy hour for a bunch of fucking mouth breathers. It's a terrible feeling to walk over for your regularly scheduled 4:00 Thursday suds, only to see the place awash with a bunch of dweebs still rocking their nametags and closing out their cards on every drink because they "don't know how long they're going to be here" (answer: too fucking long). However terrible your job, the people working for the company hosting a happy hour at your favorite bar makes you glad you don't.

Onto your letters:

Dear Head Pro,

I have a popular DJ boyfriend and I'm driving both of us fucking insane. I am having a difficult time getting over his past and all the sluts that run up to him at his gigs. It's been almost a year with him and I have quite a past myself, but I still get nuts over his exes and comparing myself to them (especially the ones that still want him) and all the dumb bitches that wanna fuck him during and after his shows. I'm obviously having trust issues and insecurities so would appreciate any wise betch words.

Crazy in Cali

Goddamn TSwift, chill. Calvin Harris isn’t that cool. In all seriousness, since I’d imagine you may have once been one of those “sluts” that ran up to him at a gig, maybe reconsider their intentions. Like, maybe they just wanted him to play “Shut Up and Dance” for the 500th goddamn time, or something. Either way, if he’s not showing signs of infidelity and you can’t let go of what seems like an unavoidable part of his job (and even worse, indelible parts of his past), then this is not a relationship you need to be in. As you said, you’ll drive both of you fucking bonkers with unfounded jealousy.

If it helps, I will say that the fact that he’s decided to tie himself down to you ought to be pretty encouraging. If he’s opted to argue with you over the television volume rather than dick-machete his way through a forest of groupie ass, you must have something pretty special. Otherwise, see a therapist or find someone less famous to fuck. You can do this, Tay-Tay.

Dear Head Pro,

So I met this guy at work who I instantly hit it off we and we preceded to have a flirty work relationship. He recently got my number and we made plans to meet up at the bars this weekend but then he also friended me on Facebook, and his social media presence is ridiculous, and the exact opposite of me. He posts a lot of ranty statuses, posts screen shots of conversations no one else but the participants would care about, talks all about his fitness regime and posts so many selfies. I don't know if I'm being judgmental and nitpicky or if his weird social media persona really does indicate incompatibility. Mostly though I can't figure how someone who is so douchey and annoying on the internet can be so cool and funny IRL.

Jealous of my grandparents who wouldn't have had this problem

Run away. Sometimes, someone’s social media tells you who they really are, outside the confines of polite human interaction. Even if that’s not the case in this instance, that almost worse: Even if he’s not an argumentative, vain douche, he wants people to think he is. So he’s either a horrible person who keeps it together in order to keep his job, or he’s the equivalent of a polite teenager who can’t stop calling people the n-word as soon as he jumps on “Call of Duty” multiplayer. Either way, I don’t see an angle from which this isn’t a disaster. Tell him you don’t date coworkers, and then actually live by that rule.

Dear Head Pro,

Recently I have fallen victim to the newest way to end something - by being ghosted. For the last two months I have been seeing a guy who I really liked, went on dates with, and had great chemistry with. After suddenly not hearing from him, I reached out to find my texts and snapchats going unanswered. Now that it has been two weeks of silence I can assume that I have been ghosted.

What makes a guy change his mind overnight and not even want to text back or give an explanation? Is it safe to assume that whatever we may of had is over, and cut my loses now? While I wondered if he did this out of fear of where we were headed, we had talked about our future and were on the same page. I really thought I had met a nice guy, and this disappearing act doesn't make sense to me.

Won't Get Fooled Again

I mean, you definitely could get fooled again, as part of the definition of ghosting is that you didn’t see it coming - it’s invisible, like a ghost! I’ll be honest, a two-month ghosting is a little odd. Two weeks? Sure, that’s no big thing. The only thing I can imagine is that you overestimated the severity of the relationship. Like, you said you were “seeing him,” and went on dates - was this a couple of times per week? Once a week? Just a few dates total and then you mostly just texted and snapchatted? I’ll never know, and if that’s not the case then there’s no telling. Usually in these situations either an ex comes back into the picture, someone he’s been after becomes available, or he was seeing someone else the whole time.

People say they hate being ghosted because it makes them feel like they didn’t matter, and I think that’s only half-true. I think people hate getting ghosted because you’re reminded of the fact that you’re not important to this person, which is a tough pill to swallow. It reminds you of how much society hinges on politeness. It reminds you just how hard it is to find another person to care about, and to care about you. And that sucks.

Dear Head Pro,

I will try and keep this short and sweet.

More often than not, my fuck buddy and I are messing around and partying together. I've known him for a very long time and long enough to know when he's being sincere. Lately, he seems to be nothing but sweet and caring. He says things that any girl would hope for a boyfriend to say to her, but that's the thing, he's not my boyfriend.  Like I said, I've known him long enough to know when he's being sincere and when he's just fucking with me (pun intended). Whenever he whispers these sweet things to me, he's being sincere and it scares the shit out of me. Things like, "Let me hold you" or "Come kiss me" are not in our fuck buddy vocabularies. He's making it seem like he wants more out of this relationship. I'm constantly debating on whether or not to ask him about it. There is one thing that confuses me, if he is sincere about everything he says to me, wouldn't he stop playing the field?

He constantly fucks around with other girls and always comes back to me saying these cute little things. I do have feelings for him and I always have but I have accepted the fact that it probably wasn't meant to be. But now he has me questioning everything.

I'm stuck. Any advice?
Confused Fuck Buddy

Ugh. Like, I almost didn’t even bother with this one, because it’s so contrite. Oh, your “fuck buddy” (which he really isn’t, since you do and always have wanted more) says some nice things to you sometimes, but also continues to bang other girls by the truckload? Hmm, I wonder where his true feelings lay… And like, he’s not even saying things that might indicate that he wants to become something more, like “why don’t we stop playing games,” or “I forgot a condom, but let’s do it and whatever happens, happens.” No, you’re so thirsty that you’re taking “let me hold you” - literally and tautologically a prerequisite to fucking - and construing it as a romantic overture. How did you fuck before he started saying things like that? Did he just nod his head and then you took off your pants?

Look, it is well-established in our society that when people want to pursue a meaningful relationship with one another, they stop fucking other people. It’s really that simple. Relatedly, it’s also that simple to say some shit about kissing in order to make a rendezvous more sexual and fun, or to fool the girl you’ve been fucking for years into thinking things are going to change. They’re not. If you can live with yourself while banging the guy who only recently managed to express a desire to kiss you, fine. But what he does, not what he says, determines how he actually feels about you.

Send your questions about life, love and fuck buddies to [email protected]. You can also follow me and twitter and Instagram at @betchesheadpro, but I'll warn you: It's 90% dick pics.




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