January 29, 2015
Being a kid is funny because you’d think adults would shield you from everything bad to protect your innocence, but in reality most parents DGAF about a lot of shit because they know it’ll all fly under the radar because kids don’t know shit. And there is no better example of this phenomenon than all the inappropriate songs we somehow got away with listening as children. Let’s take a very special and very inappropriate TBT to a timeline of these moments.
We all danced to this song during limbo contests at our 6th birthday parties, thinking it was just a song about Barbie dolls. Yayyyy Barbie!!! Until we got older and we realized the song is just about two people who are really horny.
Offending lyrics: “You can touch, you can play / You can say I’m always yours,” and the very obvious “kiss me here, touch me there, hanky-panky.” HANKY PANKY. HOW DID YOU LET THIS ONE SLIDE, GROWN-UPS?
This wasn’t all that bad in comparison to Barbie Girl, but I mean, I still probably shouldn’t have known what the word sexual meant in first grade. Shouts-out to Radio Disney for just skipping over that line completely, not even trying to cover it up with another word.
Offending lyrics: “Am I sexual? (yeah) / Am I everything you need you better rock your body now” Not 100% solid on what “rock your body” means but I’m gonna assume it’s not G-rated.
Okay so while I really don’t think there would be any adults who would listen to this song and think it was remotely kid-friendly, this song was still on my copy of Now 7. Now fucking 7! That shit was marketed to pre-teens! Not okay.
Offending lyrics: Literally all of it.
I learned a lot from this song, but not in a good way.
Offending lyrics: “What would you do if your son was at home, crying all alone on the bedroom floor cause he’s hungry? And the only way to feed him is to sleep with a man for a little bit of money? And his daddy’s gone somewhere smokin’ rock now, in and out of lock down I ain’t got a job now. So for you this is just a good time, but for me this is what I call life. Mmm.” And, ya know, the rest of it.
This song was played at approximately every bar mitzvah in the early 2000’s, which makes it a lot worse because the parents were all jamming, not knowing they were jamming to a song that said skeet like, 327 times. But Get Low was, and still is, the fucking jam.
Offending lyrics: “To the sweat drops down my balls / To all these bitches crawl” + the copious usage of skeet + the Ying Yang Twins’ entire existence.
So thank you, inappropriate songs of our adolescence, for giving us the perfect material to awkwardly try to grind to at the middle school dance. It’s too bad kids these days won’t get to experience you in all your glory, but at least now we're officially old enough to listen to you on all the "Classic 90's" stations. God, we're so old.