Last week, continuing with Hollywood’s decade-long trend of having zero creativity or originality, it was announced that a fifth Indiana Jones movie will be released in 2019. In case your action movie trivia is lacking, Indiana Jones is the one that stars Harrison Ford, who your mom thought was sexy when she was in high school. You might remember him from Star Wars, but probably not because who fucking likes Star Wars?
If you were a big fan of Shia LaBeouf’s early career, you might remember that there was already a remake in 2008. A fresh-faced Shia played Indy’s long-lost son Mutt (fucking ew) and the plot was way too predictable. The movie made a ton of money, but has since been ranked in the top ten worst sequels of all time….which means it’s time to make another one!
The movie won’t come out for three years, but Steven Spielberg has already signed on to direct, and rumor has it that Chris Pratt will be making an appearance. Safe to say that Shia probably won’t be asked back, considering that he’s a serious performance artist now. OG Indy Harrison Ford will be 77 when the new one comes out, which means it might be your mom’s last chance to see her teenage crush in a movie anyone cares about. See you betches in three years, we’ll be at brunch.