April 14, 2015
Oh hello, gym bunnies and lazy betches who pretend to work out on Instagram. I have some beautiful news for you.
You know that moment when you walk past a girl’s treadmill, sneak a peek over her shoulder, see she’s been running for over a goddamn hour, and think “Fucking whore”? Well, she’s no longer better than you.
Science has recently decided that interval training is way better than just plain working out. Meaning just 30 minutes of high intensity shit is more effective than hours of one-speed nonsense. Apparently your body is like a car. It burns more calories when it accelerates than when it just coasts along at 50 miles per hour.
So, betches. Incorporate some interval training into your workouts and you’ll get to spend more of your precious time doing things you actually like, such as being lazy. Also, you’ll get to feel superior to all those losers at the gym who are plodding away like cattle when they could already be out the door and on their way to brunch with their besties.
Do: 10 one-minute sprints with a minute and a half walk or jog in between.
Don’t: Jog for 30 minutes.
Do: Five different types of abs exercises in a row with 30 reps each. Rest for 10 seconds in between.
Don’t: Just lie there, beached whale-like, doing crunches. Everyone can see up your shorts, you slut.
Do: Five exercises like lunge jumps, mountain climbers, burpees, jumping jacks, whatever. Do 30 reps of each, resting for 15 seconds in between each type. Do three circuits.
Don’t: Just sit on the machines and admire your manicure.