Introducing Literally The Worst: A Compilation Of Everything Pissing off Head Pro This Week | Betches

Introducing Literally The Worst: A Compilation Of Everything Pissing off Head Pro This Week

By The Head Pro

Welcome to Literally the Worst, a column in which I break down all the things this week that make me want to jump in a lake. All of these people, things or ideas should be taken out back and shot.


Sexual Assault Hysteria

Rape is arguably mankind’s ugliest crime - murder, after all, can sometimes be justifiable depending on how liberal you are with the definitions for “murder” and “justifiable.” After Elliot Roger went all Elliot Roger on UCSB, the motivations behind his rampage spurred the Department of Education to ramp up its investigation into how sexual assault is handled at 60+ schools (my alma mater is on there, yay). That, in itself, is a great thing! Colleges routinely bungle sexual assault cases, and plenty of sexual assaults happen on college campuses.

Besides being ugly, though, sexual assault is an incredibly complicated and nuanced issue, because the vast majority of them aren’t the “unknown attacker in a dark alley” variety. Sometimes, knowing where the line was crossed is hard to determine. Because most people aren’t too smart and writing thoughtful, insightful commentary on complicated issues is hard, we’re instead stuck with morons fearing sexual assault legislation will ruin fun, and other morons unhelpfully reminding us that, yes, anyone can potentially be a rapist. This kind of shit has to stop, because it causes divisiveness on an issue that can only really be solved through solidarity. It’s gotten so bad that last week’s Hookup Fookups had three comments decrying two of the stories as SEXUAL ASSAULT (they weren’t).

I don’t want the dialogue to stop - I want it to continue until sexual assault is a rarity on par with four-leaf clovers and a watchable Tyler Perry movie. But hysteria and click-baiting? That doesn’t solve shit. More #YesAllWomen, and fewer missives about how you never really understood the severity of the issue until you saw your alma matter on a list.

World Cup Mania in the US

So the World Cup is here. Hooray. If you live anywhere other than the US or Canada, this is probably the best day of your life. It isn’t if you live in those places, but it doesn’t stop a bunch of soccer nerds from acting like it is. I’m not an idiot - I know that liking sports other than football and baseball doesn’t make you a cheese-eating surrender monkey. It’s just that everyone knows that normal kid who went off to study abroad in Barthelona and came back with the fucking scarves, jerseys, and won’t stop juggling a soccer ball around the frat house. Those fuckers are now taking over every bar to masturbate to a sport where people are in constant motion for 90 minutes and yet nothing really ever happens. Stop trying to make soccer happen, and stop telling me I’d appreciate it more if I “paid attention to what was happening away from the ball. As a MANLY MAN, a sizeable portion of my sexual identity has already been devoted to understanding the nuances of several sports; I don’t need to add another. And if the scoring part isn’t even interesting, I’m really all out of fucks to give about what Guillermo is doing in the backfield. Playing with his dick, probably.

These assholes already bang the hottest women in the world on a regular basis. They don’t need my ‘MERICAN adoration as well.

Tunafish

Subway’s $5 footlong sub for June is tunafish, except it isn’t because they actually charge $6 for that abomination. Tunafish should be a war crime. If you don’t know what it is, it’s flesh from a tuna (healthy!) mixed with a fuckton of mayonnaise, also sometimes called “tuna salad.” You can’t just take some shit, mix it with fat and call it “salad.” Still, people order these fucking things, and they’re the worst. First of all, they take forever to prepare because the sandwich artist has to scoop out approximately 1,000 dollops of the shit and then smear it like the shitty meat-paste it is. Then, when people get it, they never run away in shame like they should. They instead festoon it with shit like pickles, bacon and more motherfucking mayo. Heart disease can’t kill those people fast enough.

Kimye’s Wedding

I’m actually surprised we haven’t heard more about this lately, but I hope I know why: People are slowly starting to not give a shit. We haven’t seen many pictures yet, and the sad reality is that they’re probably in a bidding war with tabloids, one of whom will eventually purchase the rights to them for the GNP of Liechtenstein. Still, I have some small shred of hope that they tried to shop the photos around, and every publication went “meh.” Seeing the faces of the two biggest asshole on the planet when they find out they’re no longer relevant would please me, but unfortunately we aren’t there yet.




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LET IT OUT, HONEY

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