September 10, 2014
Being the hot and popular betches that we are, we constantly run into people on the street. Running into frenemies, back burner friends, and fugly people we don't associate with outside of a professional environment almost always results in a stop and chat. Well the absolute number one thing betches don't care about is pointless conversation that is listening to the trivial details of other people's lives. When we don't see someone for a while we are forced to catch up and to be honest I care more about keeping up with the news than how your summer went.
We don’t understand why catching up with people we could give two fucks about is a necessary thing. You’re just being fake throughout the entire process and wasting your energy on something that means less than that drunken hookup at the bar last weekend. As a collective whole we should agree that this type of behavior should be banned, but for some dumb reason the human race believes that these kinds of formalities are like, a thing.
We may not understand it or agree with it, but it’s going to keep happening so we have to come up with ways to cope with this shit. Our personal favorite line to drop when irrelevant people are going on and on about how their summer internship went or how their boyfriend cheated on them (do I look like a fucking therapist?) is “Let’s grab lunch some time!” This golden phrase is the perfect way to escape a shitty situation where someone is talking your ear off about things not pertaining to you. It furthers the illusion of caring we simply do not have and offers a promise that will satisfy the desperate losers we face on a daily basis.
No, you will never be getting lunch with this person. Mostly because you think they’re the most boring human on the face of this planet, but also because they probably eat things like Papa John’s for lunch and to be honest, I would rather eat my own fist than go near that shit.
Another escape route of the deadly conversation that is catching up is telling the object of your disgust that you will text them later. Honestly, you probably don’t even have their number, but this is the perfect way for them to feel important enough to be in your contacts. Since this conversation with you was the best thing to happen to them all week (maybe even all month if they’re really fat and boring) they will be satisfied with thinking that you might actually give enough of a shit to text them later and ask how Weight Watchers is going. As if.
So next time you see that horrific look coming your way that says, “Hey, it’s been sooo long, we need to catch up!” instead of manically crossing the street to get away, just face the issue head on and know your escape routes. At the end of the day we know that catching up should not be a thing. If I gave enough of a shit about how your summer went, I would have texted you to come blackout at the bars with me. That’s what friendship is all about after all.