Is Brad Pitt Under Investigation For Child Abuse?

By Miss Ameribetch

The Brangelina breakup just turned into an unfortunate episode of daytime drama. According to, Brad Pitt is being investigated for child abuse. I mean, there's no way one of Hollywood's biggest couples would just casually decide to consciously uncouple, so we knew some dirt was going to come out sooner or later.

Apparently, sources say that Brad lost his temper at his children and got both verbally and physically abusive on their private jet last Wednesday while Angelina and the other kids were around to witness it. Whether or not it's true is still being investigated, but if it's true we can't help but notice even child abuse for Hollywood happens in first class. Though if it is true, it's a serious matter, because you know, kids shouldn't be abused, even if they're in the 1%. But still. Private jet.

They also report that Brad was drinking at the time. Have we ever known a Brad Pitt that was not drunk? I mean, it's all making sense now.

Pitt did give a statement after the divorce, though he hasn't commented on the investigation right now. He said, "I am very saddened by this, but what matters most now is the well-being of our kids," which could be a reference to the investigation. Or it could not be. Who the fuck knows.

However, The Hollywood Reporter spoke with Sgt. Barry Montgomery of the LAPD who said that Pitt is NOT under investigation for child abuse. "We are not investigating any case, nor do we have any allegations against Mr. Pitt," he said. "We understand how rumors get spun up and hopefully we can put a few of them to rest. We have no investigation involving Mr. Pitt."

wait what

Soooo is he under investigation, or nah? We're very confused. If this didn't happen, great! But also, this is a very oddly specific scenario to blatantly make up and leak to the press. The whole situation is weird. Which random gossip rag are we supposed to trust? For now I guess we should all just hope/assume Brad is not a child abuser until we hear otherwise, and go back to assuming he's just stoned all the time and that's why Angelina divorced him.

One thing's for sure: Brangelina's divorce makes Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris look like middle school drama, though TBH we're pretty sure Taylor writes her songs in Lisa Frank notebooks. 




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