June 16, 2014
Dear Head Pro,
I met this guy and we get along super well and I really like him, but he has a huge dick. Like I get it big penises are great and all, but the first time we had sex in almost every position we were in I thought I was going to cry.
How do you make it work with a guy with a huge dick? (Position suggestions pleaseeeee all knowing head pro).
-Is he too big?
Dear Probably Not,
Man, it’s harder than I thought to resist the urge to be like “Need advice about big dicks? YOU’VE COME TO THE RIGHT PLACE.” I hear you, though. It’s always frustrating when something that ought not be an issue makes sex uncomfortable, be it a too-large johnson or the unicorn horn you have growing out of your forehead. If the problem is length, there isn’t a ton you can do - you just have to find positions that minimize the depth of penetration. Missionary is good for this; reverse cowgirl works alright as well. Anything with you on top will give you more control over how hard he’s battering ramming your cervix. Unfortunately, that means saying goodbye (or at least approaching with caution) old standbys like doggy style and the classic “pinning your ankles to your ears.”
If it’s an issue of girth (more likely), there are two things you should do: One is to have some fucking patience and do some proper foreplay. I know that by the time we’re adults and touching people’s parts isn’t as thrilling as it used to be, we all want to get on with it and move onto the fun stuff. Still, the function of foreplay isn’t just to get you all hot ‘n bothered, it also allows your hoo haa muscles to relax. I read something that said you can think of the vagina as, like, a sock wrapped in a towel being wrung by a pair of hands, and as arousal increases the hands stop squeezing as much. It was a weird and confusing analogy, and a google search to find the source yields horrifying results, but the takeaway is the same - build arousal gradually, and everything down there will be much more relaxed.
Finally, don’t be shy about using some extra lubrication. Astroglide is possibly the slickest thing ever engineered by man. If that doesn’t help him slide in, it’s either not meant to be or you’re actually just trying to have sex with a fire hydrant. Considering there’s a good chance your ladybusiness might one day expand to accommodate a baby, there’s no reason you can’t make this work with a few precautions.
I have been dating this guy for a little over a month now, and we've been getting along really well. We met through mutual friends, and have already settled into a nice routine of casually dating. He takes me out on dates, makes me laugh, holds my hand in public, and even though we haven't had the official DTR or anything like that (we're both enjoying keeping it casual for the time being) I know he hasn't been dating any other girls. All around, it's been fairly easy and exactly what I'm looking for right now, with the exception of one thing.
He is literally always high. The weird thing is- he's not your "typical stoner" by any means. In fact, I knew him for a while before we started hanging out one on one and I actually had no idea he even smoked weed. He's got a pretty impressive finance job (in truth I don't really even understand exactly what he does, just that he makes good money), is going back to school to get his Masters, and still manages to lead a pretty active lifestyle that doesn't consist of binge eating cheetos and watching South Park on Netflix all through the night. (I'm aware that you can smoke weed from time to time and still manage all of these things, but this particular guy doesn't just smoke weed sometimes - he smokes weed every day.) It wasn't until we started hanging out one on one that I realized I could always smell a little undertone of weed on all of his clothes, or that literally every time we'd hang out at his house he'd begin our movie night with a casual bong rip.
Don't get me wrong, while I am by no means a lady stoner, I enjoyed a hit or two (or more) back in college and am well aware that weed can be fun and more or less harmless if handled in moderation. Even now that I'm in the "real world," I don't mind being around people who smoke weed at parties, etc. but is it wrong that there's a part of me that sees this side of him as super immature? It doesn't affect his functionality as a successful human being and/or make him into the typical stoner zombie, but I can't help but ask myself if his need to constantly be high is a dealbreaker. Am I overreacting? We aren't serious enough where I feel comfortable asking him to cut back on it (and even if we were, I don't really want to be one of those girls who tries to tell her man what he can and can't do) so what should I do?
Smoke Weed Everyday.... Or Not.
Dear Smoke Weed Everyday,
Yeah, this is tough. Though I’m no square myself, I understand how you feel regarding it seeming immature. I feel like you get two windows in life to smoke a ton of weed: The first is between, say, the ages of 16 and 21, and the second is any time after age 50. No one expects you to be worth a shit when you’re young, and by the time you’re older you’ve kind of earned the right to toke up on the porch with your 25 year old second wife. The middle part, though? That’s for getting shit done. After all, how else are you going to make enough money to buy all the weed you’ll want to smoke in your golden years?
As you pointed out, it’s weird that he’s constantly high but functions as an otherwise type-A personality. The only thing I can imagine, without being a doctor or whatever, is that he’s literally one of the most anxious, high-strung people on the planet. Those are the only people I know who actually need weed on the regular to function as normal people. He probably takes a rip before work to start the day smoothly, lets his anxiety work to his advantage in his fast-paced, meatheaded finance environment, and then smokes his face off when he gets home so he doesn’t have an aneurism.
Again, I appreciate that there’s a certain unsavoriness to it, even if intellectually you know that it’s not, like, THAT big a deal. I think instead of talking about the weed use itself, talk more about what life and work is like for him. You may find that he’s super stressed all the time and that’s why he smokes so much, or you may find that he just really, really likes to smoke weed. Either way, learning more about what makes him tick will better inform you as to how you should proceed as the relationship grows. If he’s not an idiot, he’ll probably catch on to what you’re getting at. That’ll let him be the one to bring it up (as opposed to you coming off like you’re nagging him about it), which is always better.