June 2, 2015
Dear Head Pro,
Hey. Sooooo i'm kinda a mess at the moment. The reason for this is because I was hooking up with who used to be my SAB (like a year ago) which then turned into my BB, and now to basically nothing. Let me explain: So this guy who I will call "Joe" has this crazy ex girlfriend that he was still attached to like over a year ago when they broke up a year before that. Meanwhile, I was slightly obsessed with him and not being betchy whatsoever. Joe wanted nothing to do with me basically and then the tables have turned this year. I stopped giving a fuck about him soon after he rejected me and naturally, he chased after me like a puppy dog. This past year, i've basically been playing him and as all my friends said leading him on? Whatever. I even had sex with him just because I knew I wouldn't give a shit after! And I didn't.
Since i've gotten back from school, I decided to give him a chance and lay low on other hook ups and just hook up with him. So the most important part is that the other night, he asked me if "we were dating" and I responded "uh no..." then he goes "what about Facebook official?" I then responded pretty harshly with "WOAH thats a big step ha" then he soon started ignoring me two days after.. so I just want to know if maybe he’s upset I rejected him? Or maybe he just doesn't like me and is probably boning his ex? Maybe it was the spray tan I got two days ago and it smelled bad? Maybe I was really bad at sex? I'm going kinda insane. I usually don't have feelings so this is very very annoying. Please help. Tell me what to do.
Call me whatever you want
Dear Gertrude (I mean, you said…),
No. This is not “very very annoying.” Subway performers are annoying. Having to take a shit when you’re out at a bar is annoying. More importantly, you are very very annoying. In trying so hard to transmogrify yourself into a betch that your eyes nearly popped out (not unlike when trying to speed-shit in a bar), you’ve managed to completely miss the point. For starters: When you pursue someone and get rejected, it is not you who “played” him when you decide to fuck him. All that basically happened was you offered it up, he was like “nah,” and then later thought “you know, I think I will have some of that.” And he did! And then you didn’t give a shit, except for the part where you gave enough of a shit to hook up with him exclusively. #Winning.
So now this guy, who you were sweating hard enough to fuck even after he turned you down, who was going through some relationship issues, wants to date you. And now you have feelings for him too, and yet your plan was to reject this person? The fact that you’ve even arrived at this point after all the earlier bullshit is pretty remarkable, so to do what you’re doing makes no sense to me. Like, I could see if you had some scheme brewing to fuck with his feelings to give him a taste of his own medicine, but you don’t. You like him, but you told him you didn’t, and now you’re writing me wondering what went wrong. Yeah, I’m going to go ahead and say that fucking him, then fucking him exclusively, then laughing at him when he mentioned a relationship might have had something to do with it.
The spray tan prob didn’t help tbh,
Dear Head Pro,
Thanks a ton for being on this site. You don't give any bullshit which is rare and amazing. Anyways, I met this guy in college and we've been dating for two years; he's a great guy and is essentially everything I would want in a boyfriend. It was all going great until about a year ago my mom wanted to meet him, so for a family dinner he brought his dad and I brought my mom. It was painful but we were serious at the time and we had good relationships with our parents.
Our parents hit it off (ew) since they are both divorced and are now dating and are planning on getting married soon! The horror! My mom called me the other day and told me to break up with my boyfriend because she doesn't want anything to be similar to incest. I met my boyfriend wayyyyy before my mom met his dad, but now my ENTIRE FAMILY is up my ass about incest. WTF? What should I do? Is this like incest or are they over dramatizing things since we aren't actually blood related and we met before our parents did?
Dear You’re Welcome a Ton,
Wow, definitely the weirdest email I’ve gotten in a while, maybe ever. In short, your family is fucking stupid. Sometimes you need an unbiased party to tell you that about your loved ones, and since your family is being fucking stupid, I don’t have a problem being the one to tell you that your family is fucking stupid. Ask your mother this: What’s weirder, you dating the son of the man she just met and wants to marry, or her using her daughter as a conduit for meeting men through awkward family dinners?
When people choose to become a parent, they volunteer for the job of being responsible for their child’s happiness and wellbeing for nothing in return. You’re an adult now (I presume, anyway) so she’s largely relieved of that responsibility, but she still doesn’t get to maximize her own happiness at your expense. And make no mistake, this isn’t “your dad and I can finally afford a vacation so you didn’t get that Playstation for Christmas” fuckery, this is “you are in a happy relationship but it makes me uncomfortable and what I want is more important.” It’s a whole other level of selfishness.
It’s not incest, or anything even close. Obviously, your biggest ally here is your boyfriend’s dad, who can hopefully talk some sense into your mother. For further reading, I suggest the Melissa Joan Hart/Adrian Grenier classic “Drive Me Crazy.” It also has a pretty dope soundtrack.
Things will get REALLY fun if you two break up later,