If A Guy Lasts Too Long In Bed Does That Mean He's Not Attracted To Me? Ask A Pro

By The Head Pro

Much as I'd like to believe I've solved all the world's dating issues, you should keep sending me your toughest questions about life and love to [email protected].

Dear Head Pro,

This summer, I began training with a running club in my hometown as I was home from my out-of-state college for the summer. The head coach began encouraging me to train with the younger coach (who is 8 years older than me), in hopes that he could get me really prepared for an upcoming race. This younger coach and I really hit it off and sure enough, I developed feelings for him. He began texting me every day, arranging one-on-one runs for us outside of his usual group training schedule, and soon we began to tell each other about past relationships. I was just getting out of a bad relationship and told him about it, and he had been engaged years ago and would give me advice on how to get over the guy because they had been similar situations. Fast forward to a few months later. I’m headed back to school for my final year and so he’s eager to get in as many runs as possible before we go, but the problem is I still don’t know how he feels about me and I haven’t made it obvious how I feel for him.

The only indicators I have that he reciprocates my feelings are that he shows an extra interest in me that goes beyond just someone he trains, he goes out of his way to do favours for me, he’s very concerned with my well-being, and he has made several jokes about us dating/having sex “to make my ex jealous” in which he goes into great detail... Another problem is that we’ve made plans to go for drinks twice, and both times he wanted to reschedule (for seemingly valid reasons) but we never did. Im a firm believer in the whole “if he wants to see you, he’ll make it happen” theory but this is hard because is making time to see me, just not in a casual setting (only for all our extra running sessions). My gut tells me he likes me but that he’s hesitant to act on it i fear of getting hurt again (he hasn’t dated in 6 years)/because I’m just getting out of a relationship/because I’m going back to school. We already have plans to do some races together next summer and he’s made it clear he’ll miss me. What should I do in the remaining weeks? Tell him how I feel or wait for him? Am I just being delusional that he likes me as more than a friend at all?

That girl who fell for her coach

Dear Coach,

Well, your first mistake was joining a running club. I mean honestly, what is that? Anyway, while it’s impossible to know for sure, my guess is that this guy has gotten into the dreaded “this girl is my mentee/’little sister,’ but I’d still like to fuck her” zone. Any guy who has a sister with friends a certain number of years younger than him knows this feeling - at some point everyone involved is of legal age, but… eh? It just seems weird. Given that your relationship with this guy began with him in a position of knowledge and authority, it’s probably not a bad thing that he feels this way.

In a perfect world, an eight year age difference doesn’t necessarily have to mean much, but it sure sounds like a lot to most people, especially when you’re still in that “young adult” area. Like, when you were starting high school, he was finishing college. Again, there’s no up-front reason why 22 and 30 (what I assume your ages to be) shouldn’t work, but if he’s thinking about it in those terms it’s understandable for him to want to keep his distance. Not to discount the effect of his failed engagement, but if I were several years out of something like that, a willing 22 year old is exactly the kind of horse I’d want to get back on.

Bottom line, there’s something that’s preventing him from pulling the trigger, but it likely has less to do with the reasons you offered and more to do with the nature of your relationship. In this case it’s not you, it really is him.

Race you,

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

I come to you with this issue because I know it's something I could never ask a guy friend but I am so desperately curious I need to ask someone.

So about 3 months ago I was hooking up with someone and it was great. He was super inexperienced when we began so he only lasted about 5 minutes in bed but we were both really into it so I didn't mind at all and we were both happy. Our different circumstances caused us not to see each other over the summer so we've been continuing the relationship verbally by texting and sometimes talking on the phone every day. Basically it seemed everything was good as always, minus us being together physically.

Fast forward to a few days ago and he texts me that he is going to be in my state. Obviously I am excited to see him so I invite him to stay at my place (I live alone so we'll have the whole place to ourselves for a few days). Anyway, as I'm sure you would imagine, we have lots of reunion sex. Except it's different because this time all of a sudden he has the stamina of a freaking olympic athlete. I'm talking probably 15 minutes of hardcore action. A couple times I even had to tell him to slow down or stop so I could rest. It seemed like a completely different guy than the easily excited one I had before.

Now this wouldn't bother me if it weren't for my over thinking and tendency to assume the worst. So I come to you, Head Pro, to ask you how men's stamina can change so drastically? Is he suddenly so unattracted to me after a few months of not being together that it's a struggle for him to finish? I'm 99% sure he hasn't been seeing anyone else so I don't think it can be that he's gotten enough practice to get good at it that way… Do I chalk this up to the summer sun getting to his head, or should I be more concerned? We're still just as mentally and emotionally connected as we always were so I can't imagine it's anything nonphysical.

An "it's not you, it's me" would be accepted here,

Dear huh?,

Godfuckingdammit. It takes a special kind of insecurity to take something like increased stamina, ostensibly a good thing, and turn it into an issue of self-doubt and attractiveness. So, chill: It has nothing to do with you. If he found you too ugly to fuck, then, well, he wouldn’t have been fucking you in the first place.

Because it’s easy and convenient to rely on the lazy (but, ok, not entirely inaccurate) trope that men are SEXSEXSEX all the fucking time, people (men and women included) tend to overlook the fact that a man’s libido and stamina are just as fickle as a woman’s. Bad day at work? Not in the mood for fucking. Tired, anxious or distracted? Might not last as long. Might last longer! Arousal and orgasm are pretty complicated systems, so it’s not hard to throw them off. Was he drinking? Using a new brand of condoms? Hell, it’s normal for a man’s erection to fluctuate DURING sex.

If you want to feel better about it, here’s my (non-medical) opinion of what’s most likely: Given that the two of you had prior sexual relations and continued to grow closer through communication, he’s probably much more comfortable now and has less performance anxiety, and being relaxed is a big key to lasting longer. Part of it is also that some of the novelty has worn off - he knows how you feel, he knows what you (and he) likes, so nothing sneaks up on him anymore. These are all good things! 15 minutes is an admittedly lengthy bang sesh, but sometimes, that’s just how things work out, particularly if he’s more focused on you than he is himself.

Marathon Kisses,

Head Pro

Again, send me your toughest questions about life and love to [email protected]. Follow me on twitter at @betchesheadpro. I have some new stuff I'm working on coming up.




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