September 3, 2014
Dear Head Pro,
I have a minor situation. I’ve been dating a guy for 2 months- actually going on dates (coffees, dinner, picnics etc), and it has all been going swimmingly. He has met my family (albeit mainly because I live at home) and I his, and its all been lovely and easy. We see each other about once a week as we are both really busy with work and school, but he calls me during the week to check in. He is a pretty stellar guy and I’m totally stoked on how it’s all been going. All in all nothing to be worried about. My last boyfriend was a real ass and a half so it’s been nice to get to know a genuine person.
A couple weeks ago I took the plunge and asked to hear his thoughts on our situation- i.e., is this going anywhere and what’s our deal? I’m not into wasting my time and figured there’s been enough “dating” for this real conversation to take place. To make it short he basically said that he’s happy with how things are going and as for the rest of it, he doesn’t know if he’s that into labels and the like (he’s kind of a hippie like that). He says he’s not going to date anyone else and is taking things seriously aka not just a friends with benefits situation (I made sure he knows I’m not down for that). But I don’t want to be blinded by this carefree attitude into a less than romantic situation. Ever since that convo we have still been seeing each other and things are going just as normal, so he totally didn’t get weirded out by the chat. I’m having an awesome time but still a bit anxious about it to be honest…by nature I’ve always liked commitment. Do you think I should bring it up again, or does “no labels” mean “no chance”? Thanks!
[Insert Title Here]
I almost never buy the whole “I don’t believe in labels” bullshit. I never understood that -- “sure, I spend all of my time with this person exclusively, but calling her my girlfriend? That’s a big step, man.” It’s so stupid. It’s literally the easiest thing in the world to conclude that, yes, what we have going is something of substance, making you my girlfriend. Fuck, I’ll call you “Bigbird the Gay Tyrannosaur” if that’s all it takes for a girl to keep having sex with me.
On the other hand, you seem otherwise happy, which is generally not worth disrupting. If he really is some kind of weird hippie, then maybe “avoiding labels” is just his way of upholding his annoyingly contrived personality and not something that really matters to him. In the end, him acting like a committed boyfriend without referring to himself as one is a lot, lot healthier than the opposite scenario. If it’s going well, chill. If you hit the six month milestone and nothing has changed, then maybe you talk.
Dear Head Pro,
What should I say to a guy that cancelled a first date? Give him a second chance or no?
We met on tinder, he asked me out. He let me know during the day that work had taken him across town but he was hoping to make it back in time for our date. I texted him at the time we were supposed to meet and he said he couldn't make it, didn't even apologize. He had hours to let me know but didn't bother until I texted him. He suggested lunch in a couple days instead because we found out we work literally across the street from each other.
How should I respond? I'm feeling pretty salty about getting cancelled on, but should I be understanding because it was work related and I was pretty excited about meeting him? Or should I just not put up with that shit because of the way he handled it?
Look, if you’re going to react this strongly to someone you “met” through a casual sex communication app (who you haven’t actually met at all), then you’re gonna have a hard time, I think. Like, he told you the same day that there was a chance he wouldn’t make it. Given that work apparently took him all the way to the wire, it’s reasonable to assume that he was in fact very busy and maybe forgot about his date. That, or he remembered that you are, at present, just a stranger on the other side of a cell phone who may as well not exist as far as he’s concerned and decided "fuck it, It’s not a big deal."
Like, he suggested lunch the next day to make up for it. This was not a personal affront to your importance. You are not the Queen of England. Just go have lunch with him, assuming you can forgive him.
This summer I had a fling with an awesome guy I met in class. At the beginning we both said we weren’t looking for a relationship. We hung out a lot and hooked up all the time. Most texting was “let’s meet at xyz” or “come hang out.” We were just friends, that fucked a lot.
A ways in, I noticed his friends start referring to me as his girl. When they saw me they’d ask where he was. One told me I’m all he ever talks about. Our dynamic was so easy and fun and neither of us are talk about feelings people so I didn’t think much of it. Then bombed at the bar he said he thought he was in love with me, and kept asking isn’t she amazing etc. He compliments me a lot, and I had known it was genuine but didn’t know it was that genuine. After that we barely talked for a week. I thought we were winding down until he started texting just to see how my day was going.
Then hangouts weren’t guaranteed sex. The fuck fest ended. He’d want to cuddle and talk and kiss each other goodnight and go to sleep. Since I left he texts regularly and talks about us hanging out again in fall. What the hell? Fwb is great but that’s plenty. You say if a man says from the start he doesn’t want something serious it won’t change. Can I assume this is true? Don’t wanna have the talk unless needed but don’t want my return of attention to send the wrong message. He’s great and the last person I want to hurt. What do I do?
where did my b in fwb go
Well, when did I ever say that “if a man says from the start he doesn’t want something serious it won’t change?” Fuck, I hope I never said that, at least, because that’s dumb. The thing about FWB “relationships” is that 99% of them are a farce that belies the nature of human sexual interaction. Like, pretty much every “labeled” relationship you see around you began as what most people erroneously call a “FWB situation.” Men don’t leave calling cards in women’s parents’ foyers anymore when they want to date them. Nowadays, when two people think they might like each other, they spend time together, get to know each other better, and sometimes start playing hide the salami if things go well. If they’re happy with that, then they start tacking on the labels.
If you are friends who “hung out a lot” and “hooked up all the time,” then guess what? That’s your boyfriend, or at least it's not unreasonable for him to think so. Again, people don’t apply labels and [ital] then [ital] start modeling the behavior; it’s the other way around. Somehow, you defied all logic and millions of years of evolution to decide that this thing, clearly a budding relationship between two people who care for each other both as human beings and sex partners, was purely an arrangement of sexual convenience. He did not, apparently.
If for whatever reason the thought of this person expressing his affection for you with words in addition to action is not what you want, that’s 100% up to you and your right. But, don’t think you can do it without hurting him. Guys will say anything to be with the people they like, up to and including that they’re down for NSA lovin’ (even if that’s not the case). No one blames you for not wanting to be in a relationship where he feels differently about you than you do him, but it’s up to you to tell him that and deal with the consequences.
FWK (that stands for Friends With Kisses),