Is It Okay To Give A Blow Job On The First Date? Ask A Pro

By The Betches

Dear Head Pro,

Out of curiosity, what is your take on blow jobs on first dates? I understand that sex is a solidified "no" on a first date...

Would giving head on the first date terminate all potential of a second date?

I'd love to hear your opinion on this. Thanks!

Sincerely,

Not a slutty betch, but it happens.

Dear Slutty Betch,

Man, I HATE it when a blowjob happens. I’m just minding my own business, filing my taxes or ironing my socks or whatever, and then BAM, dick in my mouth. You’re right, there’s really nothing you can do about it sometimes.

Let’s do some Real Talk, gurlfriend. Blowjobs are not a “safe alternative,” or even an “alternative” to sex, the same way clam chowder is not an “alternative” to soup. It is soup. A blowjob is sex. If you ever wonder if you’re having sex, take this quick quiz: Are any of your orifices and/or extremities in possession of sex parts that are not the ones you were born with? If yes, then you are either having sex or are a surgeon, both of which are wonderful circumstances.

In a way, blowjobs are actually more intimate than “sex” sex, if you ask me. With coitus, you’re both sweating and grunting and putting parts in the places they were designed to go and at least mutually trying to have a good time of it. With a beej, you’re performing a service. You’re getting nothing out of that, save for MAYBE the satisfaction of someone else’s arousal. I feel like blowjobs are best reserved for skittish high school kids and boyfriends, because hey buddy pay attention I’m doing you a fucking favor here (or at least I imagine that’s how girls feel while they’re polishing my pole).

Bottom line, if you’re sucking dick in lieu of having p-in-v sex because it’s a first date and you don’t think you’re ready for sex and/or it would be “inappropriate,” then you don’t need to be doing anything of the sort. If you want to fuck someone, fuck them (safely). The guy’s not exactly going to think you’re Helen of Troy after you slobbed his nob in the alley behind P.F. Chang’s, anyway. Blowjobs are not the clam chowder you’re looking for.

Ki- FUCK, sorry, another blowjob “happened”

Kisses,

Head Pro

 


 

Dear Head Pro,

So I have a sort of moral question: do I tell my guy best friend that I fucked his other best friend? First off, I know that y'all say that girls and guys can't be best friends, but we are. Yes, we've had a few drunk make outs, but it always stops there and we are completely just friends. But back to the question, his best friend from high school that goes to our college and I were hooking up for a couple months at the beginning of the year, and he's been trying all summer to pick it back up since we're from the same hometown. I'm def not interested anymore, but now that the situation is coming back, I'm starting to feel guilty about it happening in the first place. The first time we had a drunk make out at a fraternity party, my guy friend didn't talk to either of us for a week because he was so pissed about it. So I'm pretty sure he will never talk to me again if he knows we had sex on the reg for like 3 months... I feel guilty having this secret from him because I know it would upset him, but at the same time I don't want to lose one of my closest friends. What should I do?

In need of your sage wisdom,

I'm not a slut I swear

Dear I Swear (love that song, both the All 4 One and John Michael Montgomery versions),

You may not be a slut, but you’re definitely a delusional moron. Do you know who I’ve never, ever had a drunken makeout session with? ALL of my friends, male and female alike. Why? Because you don’t make out with your friends, just as you don’t shower with your dad or let your dog lick peanut butter off your privates. If this guy, purportedly your friend, is willing to make out with you MORE THAN ONCE, he is not a friend. He is someone who is willing to make out with you, which, barring any complications, probably also makes him someone who wants to have sex with you.

You know who doesn’t get irrationally angry with me when I sleep with someone they know? ALL of my friends, male and female. That’s because they are my friends, and what I do with my sex parts is my business, and they know that. Sure, they may offer concern,  like “Head Pro, that girl gets around, I hope you used a condom,” or “Head Pro, that’s a stuffed animal you’re trying to have sex with go home you are drunk,” but not rage. You know who would get irrationally angry about you fucking his friend AND be willing to make out with you? A jealous, impotent, would-be lover.

This guy of yours is many things: A pussy, a loser, etc, but “a close friend of yours” is not one of them. He wants to do you, and you don’t want to do your friends. It’s as simple as that. I could see him getting upset if the guy you were banging was some kind of tremendous dirtbag, but in that case why would he be friends with him? He’s just mad that his buddy had the balls to make some moves and take you to the boneyard and CRUSH THAT PUSSY BRO.

If he were your friend, it would not be any of his business who you’re fucking, but he thinks it is, so he is not. If he cries about it, you’re not losing a friend. You’re losing an emotional dumpster, and the two of you have been exploiting one another for years now. Drop the baggage and bullshit “friends” and get on with your life.

Jealous kisses,

Head Pro

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