June 6, 2013
Dear Head Pro,
I am completely in love with my boyfriend of five months. He is good to me and good for me, as he calms down my natural psychotic urges (i.e. compulsive shopping, attention-seeking, distrust in boys) and accepts me as the spoiled, annoying, albeit good-intentioned betch that I am.
When we started dating I was a twenty-year-old virgin. He was far from a virgin and actually had a pretty lousy reputation (lots of sluts, etc). Basically though he puts me on a pedestal, thinks I'm too "good" for him, and even though he credits me with changing him and making him a better person, he is still incredibly insecure about our relationship.
His insecurity's latest manifestation has to do with the fact that we are going to be long distance for two months this summer. I think we can make it work, he thinks a) I am going to find someone better or b) he is going to do something that will damage us irrevocably. For that reason he has decided a "break" is our best option and that we should still talk and have the occasional visit, but do our own things and not resume being fully together until we are back at school in August.
I am devastated. To me this feels like the end. What does this all mean? How can he say that he loves me and wants to be with me, but then say that he can't for these TWO MONTHS? Is this a sign that he's over it, but trying to spare me from the hurt of a full break up? Is this his man-whore ways coming back or has he really changed?
Help. I am not usually one to seek out this kind of stuff, but I am a mess.
Where's the T-Swift Song that Covers Summer Breaks?
Dear Summer Break,
Are you the brunette girl from the MTV “True Life” I watched this weekend? Because this sure sounds like the same guy. Anyway, your boyfriend is either a raging pussy for feeling these things, or trying to make himself look like one because he’s looking for a way out of the relationship that doesn’t involve confrontation (like a pussy).
I’m inclined to think it’s the latter, because his actions don’t make sense for someone who’s actually worried about you finding someone better. For one, two months really isn’t that long, unless you are an infant. If you didn’t want someone cheating on you, why would you give them carte blanche to do so? Even more telling is his second qualifier, the whole part where he’s worried about “irrevocably damaging the relationship,” which means “irrevocably damaging some girl’s poon with his meat whistle.” He’s not giving you a way out, he’s giving himself one. For whatever reason, the dude wants at least the ability to get some strange if you’re not going to be around.
While this is an example of why you should never think you can change someone, that doesn’t make it hurt any less, which sucks. You can delude yourself however you like, but every “break” I’ve ever seen/been involved in might as well have had the word “up” attached to it from the get go. The best thing you can do is to nip this in the bud and end it for real, on your terms. Don’t listen to any of his crybaby bullshit. At this point, you have to look out for #1.
Thank God There Aren’t Any of Those (yet),
Dear Head Pro,
I'm going to get straight to the point cause the longer I stretch it the more embarrassing it is for me. In high school I was cray cray in love with this bro. Like totally head over heels delusional. He of course sniffed out my sorry love struck ass and got a major ego boost out of making me feel like shit. Totally crushed my self-esteem and all. Besides treating me like shit, he was in general an ass to most people around him. Honestly, a ton of people hated his guts, he had no redeeming qualities whatsoever (Do not ask what I saw in him, it might have been pure masochism. Though he was really hot). Fast forward three years later, I had more than moved on and was killing it in college and seriously winning with bros. That was until recently when I spoke to my bestie back home who also happens to be super close with this SAB. According to her, he's really "mellowed down" a lot (her exact words) and in general isn't as much of an ass as he used to be.
So how does this make a difference to my life? Well ever since she said that, I can't get him out of my head! Like it’s so pathetic and I absolutely hate myself but a part of me suddenly feels like I can totally get this guy to fall for me. And I'll admit I have changed quite a bit in those last three years. For starters, puberty finally decided to pay a visit and I finally blossomed into a young woman (sarcasm, please). Besides that I am way more confident and sorted out in my head then I was when I was 17 years old. Well, as sorted as I can be with my masochistic and delusional desire to be with this one and only bro. Anyway, I know there’s only a slim chance, but is there any way I can get this bro to ever respect me and see me as an actual human being, let alone ever be interested in me? If not, how the hell do I get him out of my head? I will be seeing a lot of him this summer and I really need to figure out a way to win with him. I know there’s a 99.99% chance you’re going to ask me to suck it up and get over him, but I’m just trying my luck here.
Counting on the 00.01%
The answer is no, and not because of anything about him or your growth in the past three years. He will never respect you because you write emails like this; because you’re preoccupied with earning his respect. That apparently hasn’t changed since you were 17, when everyone knew that he was a loser and yet you insisted upon trying to win the affections that no one else wanted. I would hope he’s not as much of an ass, he’s fucking three years older. That’s still not going to change the way he responds to a girl who’s hopelessly, irrationally obsessed with him. People will treat you as badly as you let them. In fact, given his past mistreatment of you, he’d probably find your interest in him today even weirder and more off-putting.
I don’t know how to help you “get him out of your head,” because I haven’t been that obsessed with one single girl since I was, I don’t know, 13? While I understand the concept of hanging out with recurring friend groups when you’re back home during the summer, the only way you’d be seeing THAT MUCH of him is because you want to. Winning with him shouldn’t be that hard, in theory: Just do the exact opposite of whatever it was you did in high school. If you insist upon being around him (and something tells me you will), at least make him be the one who does the pursuing. After all, he was the one who mistreated you, so he’s the one with something to prove, even if any normal person wouldn’t even want to give him the chance.
Try not to giggle and doodle about him in your Lisa Frank trapper keeper too much, and hopefully it won’t be too obvious that you’re into him (for no good reason).
I am the 00.01%,