October 10, 2014
Dear Head Pro,
I like your style. Maybe you can help me out with this little doozy I've been grappling with.
A year ago I started seeing a friend of a friend who had only recently extricated himself from a long term relationship (talking 5+ years, near marriage status). It was a bit messy because he still lived with his ex (who's a little unstable) and he didn't want to tell her until things between us were more solid, so about 2 mo in. Predictably, she immediately contacted me with demands that I end our fledgling bb relationship, blah blah blah, and threats against my life, his life, and her life, blah blah blah. I won't go into the real horrific details, but let's just say she went a little bat shit. So that was rough, but after a month hiatus my guy and I resumed seeing each other.
Fast forward a year later, and we are just peachy keen on each other, and hopefully moving in together soon. Only, (dundundun) she's still a problem. The tantrums are less frequent now, but she still loses it in a bad way if she sees my picture on his Instagram, hears reference to our relationship in conversation, etc. And here's the killer: they still talk! Quite often! Now, I don't consider myself much of an insecure lady, and I've been reassured that there is zero romantic love for her, but can't a betch still be bothered? Sure sure, they still care for each other; they were each other's confidants for years. I get it! But when is too much too fucking much? Where should I draw the line in the sand? Because, frankly, I'm getting real tired of the shenanigans and do not look forward to dealing with them after signing a lease with him. But I also don't feel it's my place to tell him how to manage his relationships.
Shoobetch Don't Bother Me
Holy shit. For once, you’re not being insecure enough. First, let’s put to rest this bullshit notion of “we broke up but we’ll always care for each other.” Nuh-uh, no way. That’s just something people say to make themselves feel better. I dated a girl for like 5 years, and we broke up a longggg time ago. Do I still “care for her?” Fuck no. I mean, I don’t wish her any ill-will or anything, but if she calls me up to bail her out of jail or something, it’s not happening. We don’t like to admit if to ourselves, but the reality is that once a relationship is over, the clock immediately starts counting down to the time when they become just another person that you once knew (thanks Gotye).
Or at least it should, anyway. It’s one thing for exes to stay friendly, to speak on occasion, etc. But when is it too fucking much? This. This is too fucking much. The fucked up events at the start of your relationship preclude this from being a normal ex-gf/bf relationship. Plainly speaking, she is not allowed to “lose it” or have a “tantrum” whenever she sees the two of you together. Or, more accurately, HE is not allowed to indulge her bullshit when she decides to act like a child. She doesn’t have to be happy about it, but she doesn’t get to make your life miserable (or threaten it!) either.
Ultimatums aren’t the best thing, but this is a case where you need to do something of that ilk. I would explain to your bf how it’s plainly unfair to you the way he keeps her in his life and tolerates her, because it is. It’s honestly not that hard to cut off contact with someone. Neither of them will fucking die. He doesn’t need to tell her he’s doing it, or talk to her about it. Have the phone company block her fucking number, block her from Instagram, etc. Enough is enough. If he’s too big a pussy to do that, he belongs with her anyway.
Dear Head Pro,
How far can a bromance go before it borders on the gay side? My boyfriend and his bromance are getting a little too close and its making me question the sexuality of my boyfriend's friend. I say I'm only questioning the sexuality of the other guy because I think my boyfriend is being too naive to notice the red flags. To give you some back ground on this situation his friend moved to town a year ago and they met through a mutual friend. They would just hang out every few months or so up until recently when I started working a new job the requires me to work most saturdays. This bro is super homophobic and immature, he constantly makes ignorant remarks about how "disgusting" being gay is, which only makes me question his actions more. It has gotten to the point where every saturday the guy shows up at our house before I go to work and they spend the whole day doing whatever bros do. Don't get me wrong, I am all about having bro time, but I feel as if this is starting to become too much.
If we go out on saturday night he almost always ends up crashing on our couch and then sticking around half of the next day asking what we're going to be doing that day and what we're making for "family" dinner. On multiple occasions he buys rounds and rounds of shots for us then claims he is too drunk to be out and asks if we can go back to our place because he left his keys at our house, which at that point we either go home or I stay out with my girlfriends. Last weekend things got especially weird, we were leaving a bar and I knew he had his keys with him because I made sure he brought them along that night. He called an uber and when it arrived I told him he should just take it home because we live on complete opposite sides of town and sharing a car just didn't make sense. As the car pulled away my boyfriend was calling an uber and he got a text from his friend saying "that was really messed up of her, I was really hoping I could just spend the night again" then another "your girlfriend is a serious downer," my boyfriend showed it to me saying that he thought it was weird that it was that he was making that big of a deal out of the situation. I just laughed it off and we went home.
Then this week, out of the blue, he asked my boyfriend if he had any plans this weekend and when he said no he invited him to go home with him that weekend to meet his family in a tiny little town in North Carolina, with no other reason than just to meet his parents because they keep asking who this friend he keeps talking about is. My boyfriend told me about it and he said he had no interest in driving 5 hours to meet his friends family. I just think it's weird that a 25 year old would want to sleep on our couch every weekend rather than pursuing girls and taking them home like a normal bro his age would.So my question is how close do guys get before it reaches another level, is this crossing the line? If so, how do I handle this situation?
Third Wheel Betch
Dear Third Wheel Betch,
Hahahahahaha. This really did make me laugh the first time I read it. I love how out of all the obnoxious things this guy does, your go-to assumption is that he must secretly be gay and have the hots for your boyfriend. Like, what if your boyfriend is just a cool dude? I mean, he’s good enough for you! I mean, the homophobic remarks are troubling on several levels, but I think the “he doth protest too much” trope is overplayed, honestly - plenty of people say they hate gayness, and mean it. No, I don’t think your boyfriend’s butt buddy is gay, I think he’s just an asshole.
The guy’s just a fucking mooch. He likes your place, he likes your food, and he likes the fact that you make all of his social plans for him. I don’t think there’s much more to it than that. As for why your boyfriend is so tight with him, who knows. It’s possible, within the confines of your domestic bliss, that a terrible friend like this lets him vicariously live out his cruder, single-guy desires without having to actually be terrible and single. Also, as we all know, clingy friends are the fucking worst and hard to get rid of - sometimes it’s easier to just give in and let them tag along. That, or your boyfriend’s the gay one and is waiting for the opportunity to do some major ass spelunking. Anything is possible.
I remember being in college, and my parents might have a friend over drinking, and they’d inevitably find a way home. I always thought to myself “golly gee guys why not just have him crash on the couch, getting wasted and having sleepovers is the COOLEST!” But yeah, as an adult? Fuck that. I want to pass out in my own bed and wake up to my own stuff. By 25, you’re right, the mooch ought to feel the same way.
You have to address this, and you’ve given no indication that you have yet. “Laughing it off” doesn’t let your dense boyfriend know how much this bothers you. This is not a difficult concept for him to wrap his head around: His friend is disrespectful, and while you don’t care what the two of them do together, he doesn’t need to spend every weekend with you two at all times. All it takes is your boyfriend texting “nah man, not this weekend, we’re doing couple’s stuff” a few times for him to get the message. Hopefully.