July 8, 2015
Brace yourselves, because I'm about to ruin your childhood: Jared from Subway was raided by the feds as part of a child pornography investigation.
I'll give you a minute to let that sink in.
I'll give you another minute to like, try and digest that mental image. Ew, I know.
Okay, back to the bomb I just dropped. Mmkay, so basically the feds were/are investigating the head of Jared's nonprofit for creepy child porn shit. What's almost as creepy as the idea of getting aroused by children is the fact that Jared's nonprofit—cleverly named The Jared Foundation—works to prevent childhood obesity. I'm just going to leave that there and let you draw whatever twisted conclusions you may, so nobody can call me the sicko.
As far as we know, Jared has been cooperating with the investigation and hasn't been charged. In other words, he may or may not be a perv, but I just totally got you with that clickbait.
In the meantime, since I know you're all wondering, Subway "suspended" their relationship with Jared pending the investigation. If I had to guess I'd say no one who would be caught dead eating at a Subway feels any type of way about this news since Jared hasn't been relevant since like, 2006. But maybe there are some Jared fans out there…it wouldn't be the craziest thing to happen.
Next Wednesday on Law & Order: The spokesperson from a popular sandwich chain called Subworld gets tangled up in a grisly child pornography case. *Ice-T makes a foot-long joke*.