We've Reached Peak Jennifer Lawrence: Your Real World News Roundup

By The Head Pro

America’s Sweetheart Jennifer Lawrence is having a bad time. Last week, she fell on the red carpet at the premier of those child-murdering movies she’s in. That was the third suspiciously graceful fall in two years, and people are getting annoyed. Now, here she is in the latest issue of Vogue, lamenting how guys are mean and she’s getting so little ass that her hymen might grow back:

Glasses of wine in hand, we head upstairs, and when we walk into the enormous master suite she makes a sweeping gesture toward the bed and says, “This is where the maaagic haaaappens.” Then she shoots me a get-real look. “Literally zero magic has happened in here.” She holds up her glass in a toast: “Cheers to my hymen growing back!”


Then she talks about how she wants to date an ISIS operative, or something:

“No one ever asks me out,” she says. “I am lonely every Saturday night. Guys are so mean to me. I know where it’s coming from, I know they’re trying to establish dominance, but it hurts my feelings. I’m just a girl who wants you to be nice to me. I am straight as an arrow. I feel like I need to meet a guy, with all due respect, who has been living in Baghdad for five years who has no idea who I am.”


Christ. I know it’s several years too late to make The Dark Knight references, but the part where they’re like “You either die a hero, or live long enough to become a villain” is shockingly on the nose. We’ve reached peak Jennifer Lawrence. It doesn’t help that hymens can’t actually grow back, but that’s not the point here. Everything people initially loved about JLaw, from her candor to her clumsiness to her “regular girl schtick” is wearing thin. And none of this is a knock on Jennifer, who by all accounts is exactly who she claims to be. Instead, it’s an indictment of celebrity in general.

Anyone who thinks they want to be famous is an idiot, because this is exactly what will happen to you. Jennifer Lawrence is one of the biggest stars in the world, and already people are all “ugh, can she not?” It’s the nature of the beast -- it’s vanishingly hard to remain both famous and beloved for an appreciable amount of time, especially nowadays when your relevance depends on keeping your face plastered in front of as many people as possible. You don’t want fame, you want money. Money fixes everything. Do you think the Kardashians could handle being so scrutinized and reviled if they didn’t have FUCK YOU money? Fuck and no, they couldn’t. They’d hang themselves on Rodeo Drive if that happened. I’d pay $2 to see that!

Update: I put this together well before the horrendous attacks in Paris Friday night, but obviously now that's the top story, and anything else is just window dressing. Send your thoughts and prayers to our Parisian friends, and follow a live stream of the events here. [The Telegraph]

Here’s the rest of the shit going on today:

Newsflash: Barack Obama is *Not* The Lead Singer For Korn [Rolling Stone]
I still have my suspicions. This is why Trump wanted to see the birth certificate, I bet.

The Supreme Court Will Rule on State Abortion Restrictions [Washington Post]
Just in time for some stimulating and not at all IQ-dropping Thanksgiving conversation!

Military ‘Reasonably Certain’ We Killed That Jihadi John Pigfucker [CNN]
But if not, I know of a certain clumsy starlet who may be interested in meeting him…

Facebook is Testing Snapchat-Style Disappearing Messages [Computerworld]
Just when you thought Facebook messages couldn’t get any worse.

Nike’s Stupid Jerseys Made it Tough for Colorblind People to Watch Last Night’s NFL Game [CBS Sports]
I’d take being colorblind over having to watch another Jets-Bills game, tbh

We’re Still Getting Fatter, but Women are Getting Fatter Than Men [Detroit News]
Hmm, it’s almost as though all of those stupid fad workout trends are no substitute for real exercise…

Rebel Wilson Talked Shit About the Kardashians, and Now They’re Going to Fucking Kill Her [EW]
Or smear her on social media, at least. Same difference.




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