July 15, 2014
This just in, betches: anyone who ever called you a spoiled little brat can officially go fuck themselves because today, the future of humanity got a lot bleaker when a Virginia dad literally bought his daughter a chunk of Africa so his daughter could be an actual princess. And you thought the grown women who did those Disney Princess runs were bad.
Jeremiah Heaton, aka World’s Biggest Pushover, bought his daughter Emily a piece of the desert that sits along the Sudanese border for her 7th birthday and decreed it the extremely originally named Kingdom of North Sudan. He said, "I wanted to show my kids I will literally go to the ends of the earth to make their wishes and dreams come true," which means, "I'm going to live out my failed political career through my second grader and can someone please help me control these fucking kids??" There's no way this will ever work though, I mean if she's the princess of the Kingdom of North Sudan then why is she white?
Although Emily and her dad believe she’s a real princess, many totally logically believe that neighboring countries will refuse to recognize a patch of desert that’s claiming to be governed by someone who hasn't even learned how to write cursive yet as a legitimate kingdom. It's a move many are hailing as, "a new low, even for colonialism," but at least the British can rest easy now knowing that they are officially no longer the worst. Upside, maybe you can secure your stuffed animals an invite to the North Sudanese Tea Party.
No word yet on how Jeremiah plans to follow up for Emily's 8th birthday but it is believed a pony is definitely not going to cut it.