February 16, 2015
Due to this week’s devastatingly disappointing release of the long-awaited film adaptation of 50 Shades of Grey, everyone is thinking they could do a better portrayal of Christian and Anastasia than the actors did. Jessica Simpson is no exception. On Valentine’s Day, the mother of two decided to throw caution to wind and not go the way of other celebrity mothers who blew up insta with adorable pics of them with their children (seriously though, how fucking cute were Beyonce and Blue Ivy??) and did something no one expected: a 3-part 50 Shades inspired photo shoot of her and husband, Eric Johnson.
OK, so her husband is ridiculously hot and I would definitely not hesitate following him into his red room, and Jessica is looking pretty good these days, but it was just a little too soon and came across as trying a little too hard. First of all, the only thing Jessica Simpson has been known for in the past decade is being Nick Lachey’s borderline obese ex-wife. Even President Obama “weighed in” on her chubby condition back in 2009. Secondly, the pictures are pretty awkward. The #50SHADESOFJOHNSON caption (yes, she insisted on all caps) is the only thing that gives us any clue as to what’s going on in the pictures. One of them looks like her husband is playing her like a guitar, his ass crack is out on display in another, and Jessica’s signature hoops are a main focal point of all three shots. The main question I found myself asking (other than why I was still following her on Instagram), is who the hell took these pictures? It all seems very intimate (despite Jessica’s blazer), and didn’t have the artistic edge of a professional. Whether this was some sad attempt to be relevant or a sneak peak at something the washed-up pop star is cooking up, it wasn’t worth the 5 seconds it took me to scroll past it.