April 5, 2015
His birthday is the biggest holiday of the year, he made an actual commandment that you can’t talk shit about him but he can judge you, and, lets not forget, he got to do all of this because of who his dad is. I’m taking about Jesus Christ, the reason you're having a drunk brunch in pastels right now and also the ultimate betch of our time.
First of all, people are literally obsessed with him. Like can you imagine how many followers he’d have on Twitter? Plus the book he didn’t even personally write but just “inspired” and got all the credit for has been the NY Times bestseller since it came out a couple thousand years ago. Sounds like someone who would for sure be buying the rounds, lol.
Jesus’s betchiness absolutely started with his immaculate conception, in which he decided he was coming into this world whether or not Mary was gonna hook up with Joe. A betch who takes matters into his own hands, if you will.
He obviously peaked in his betchiness when he turned water into wine at a wedding. Like talk about a well-respected party trick. And even if that’s not true and he just ran to the store, what a perfect time for #129 making shit up. Oh my gawwwd everyone was so hammered at my friends wedding this weekend that they RAN OUT OF BOOZE but then this one bro magically made the water alcoholic, like I kid you not, and that’s when everyone blacked out.
Plus, like any true betch, he had a dedicated pack of besties that he went everywhere with, and they even had a bestie group name: “The 12 Disciples”. Kind of middle school, but we’ll let it slide Jesus because you totally held your own when you called out your frenemy Judas in front of everyone at the most famous group dinner of all time, The Last Supper. I wonder if they split the bill.
Jesus’s betch legacy was solidified when he told all the haters a big F you when he casually rose from the dead after they killed him. Like talk about a comeback. Then he ascended into Heaven from right where he was standing, one hell of a way to make an exit.
God, love you.