August 28, 2014
Joan Rivers is in critical condition following her 80th face lift throat surgery. We've already popped a Xanax to calm down, but we're still really concerned. In case you didn't read her Betch of the Week profile (what the fuck were you busy doing, reading your summer reading book?) Joan basically paved the way for Chelsea Handler and betches everywhere by talking shit like as a career. Is it just us or does this sound oddly close to Cher from Clueless "my mom died during a routine liposuction." God Melissa was unbearable before, she'll be absolutely horrific if Joan dies. Start praying to every diety you can think of - Beyonce, Madonna, and whatever the fuck Tom Cruise worships.