September 8, 2014
Yesterday the betchiest funeral of all time took place, for the one and only Joan Rivers. I personally honored Joan on Thursday night after hearing the news by wearing all black, getting drunk, and judging peoples outfits at 1Oak. But those who were lucky enough to know her personally got to attend her funeral. Yes, there was a guest list (fingers crossed my funeral is harder to get into than Marquee). The attendees ranged from:
Barbara Walters (the only woman as old as Joan still on TV)
to Sarah Jessica Parker (literally probably only invited cause Joan dies for Carrie Bradshaw’s shoes)
to Kathie Lee and Hoda (only ones not wearing black most likely because they were blacked)
to Michael Kors (there to judge everyones outfits for Joan)
Donald Trump (definitely invited to make Kelly Osbournes hair not look so horrific)
Howard Stern spoke at the beginning of the funeral followed by her daughter Mellissa. The New York City Gay Men’s Chorus concluded the funeral by singing “Hey Big Spender” and Hugh Jackman sang as well. Even the flowers at the funeral were made into fabulous outfits worthy of Joan’s approval.
The funeral program had printed out Joan’s quote in which she describes what she wanted her funeral to be like. We do not have evidence at this time whether or not Joan’s hair was blowing like Beyonce’s in the casket but Fifth Avenue was lined with more television crews and reporters than any Hollywood premiere so we hope she would consider it a showbiz success.
No one deserved a betchier funeral more than Joan. She was the first woman to ever be on late night television, she fucking invented the phrase “who are you wearing”, and she succeeded by saying out loud what everyone was thinking (my dream career, talking shit). She even poked fun at herself saying that she’s had so much botox when she dies we should just turn her into Tupperware.
Comedian Jeffrey Ross said to the press after the funeral, “If there’s a God I hope he/she is very well dressed today.” Rest in peace Joan, we love you more than Kanye loves Kanye.