January 22, 2015
Secretary of State John Kerry went to France a few days ago and had a more-than-awkward moment with the French president. You may recognize John Kerry as the sad-looking grandpa who ran for president a few years ago. The whole reason he went to France was to make up for the fact that no one from the U.S. showed up to France’s anti-terrorism rally on the 11th. The rally was a response to the terror attack at Charlie Hebdo Magazine earlier this month. Remember “Je suis Charlie?” Yeah. Serious shit. There were, like, 40 world leaders at the rally and we didn’t send anyone. Oops. Obama and his peeps took the American tradition of not giving a fuck to a whole new level. But apparently we regretted it and decided to send Old Man River up to France to say “our bad.”
This is where shit gets weird. When they meet, Kerry ignores the French president’s blatant attempt to avoid physical contact and goes in for the most awkward hug of all time. Then, he kisses him on the cheek and REFUSES to let go of his hand. The French guy’s reaction is probably the funniest thing I’ve seen so far in 2015. The fact that this video is not being played in slow-mo everywhere is fucking insane.
Then, as if the U.S. couldn’t come across as any more obnoxious, Kerry gets James Taylor (old people shit) to play “You’ve Got a Friend” for the president, first responders and family members of the victims. Not only is this creepy/awkward/fucking psycho, a lot of people found it really, really insensitive. You’ve got a Friend?! Are you fucking serious? On “The Daily Show” John Stewart’s response to this was “Are you trying to start a war?”
So basically, in an attempt to make up for our previous fuck up, we had some weird, hippy bullshit response that made us look like a joke to the rest of the world. I mean come on, at least send Beyoncé and Jay-Z or something. “Crazy in Love” would definitely be more than enough of an apology. Oh well, you can’t win ‘em all.