We’re only one week into 2018, but we’ve already found what might be our favorite/least favorite thing of the year. It involves Jonathan Cheban eating pizza, and we’re dying.
Jonathan, who’s previously best known for being Kim Kardashian’s closeted sidekick, has decided that he’s going to be called “foodgod” from now on. It’s probably the most unqualified a person’s ever been for a job since I filed a few documents at my dad’s office for $20 one time and proceeded to put “legal assistant” on my resume. Someone at the New York Post is getting paid to indulge Jonathan’s every whim also believes in this new persona for Jonathan, so Page Six followed him to a pizza place called Krave It in Queens, where he spent some time harassing customers and acting like a fool.
Jonathan doesn’t seem to have any real ties to food other than that he loves to eat it, and if that’s all it takes to make you a god, you can call me the Cheese, Wine, Tequila, and Pizza Rolls God. There’s nothing worse than that friend who acts like they’re a world-renowned food critic because they like to take shitty pictures of their brunch. Like, sit down Becky, you’re not Padma Lakshmi.
Before we get into the plot of the video—if you can call it that—we need to discuss the production first. The footage of Jon eating the various pizzas is frequently interrupted by these weird interludes of cheesy metal music with a guy whispering “Food God” laid over it that Jonathan definitely scored himself. It’s like he typed “cool guy music instrumentals” into Google and chose the first track that came up. Also, he definitely uses Comic Sans in his captions. Somebody needs to tell Jonathan this isn’t 2003.
Jon tries his hand at twirling pizza dough, which he’s fucking horrible at, and he shows off his diamond pizza slice necklace, which we probably could have paid our rent for the next three months with. He also goes around the restaurant asking a bunch of confused diners if they know who he is, and the results are, um, mixed. Two girls recognize him right away, but the rest of the people are literally like, “get the fuck away from me.”
Here’s an actual moment from this video. Jonathan stops mid-bite of his pizza to accost two poor girls who are just trying to eat. “I was on a very big television show for 10 years,” he says to them as if Keeping Up With The Kardashians were his own show, “but now I’m the foodgod and all I do is eat, 365 days a year.” Yeah, Jonathan, so do most people who are not starving.
We can’t say we love “foodgod,” but honestly if Jonathan keeps making an ass of himself we will continue to watch. Okay, now I want pizza.
Watch the whole video below, if you can make it through the whole thing.
