July 5, 2011
You're sitting there, your face and body are getting all hot and tingly, you start breaking out in a cold sweat, your heart is racing, and you’re trying to fight back the smile spreading across your face, but you can't. It's too late, you've come down with a case of Bieber Fever and there’s nothing from #10 Candyland to cure it.
We all have that friend who’s absolutely adored him from day one and has been begging you to see Never Say Never in 3D for months now. You agreed, not because you wanted to see what all the hype was about, but because Betch of the Week Chelsea Handler loves and flirts with him. Maybe you can even do a funny #6 mobile upload with those 3D glasses on, and if not, it’s still a great excuse to smoke weed and see a movie. Whatever.
You soon find yourself sitting in the theater, unable to contain yourself. The second you see the Biebs, you’re brainwashed like Derek Zoolander by fucking Mugatu. Then it comes to the slow motion hair flip. GAME OVER. You’ve lost it and you have full on Bieber Fever.
Then you see Biebs singing to that girl on stage during “One Less Lonely Girl.” You find yourself in a jealous rage and you're screaming in a theater full of tweens and their moms, “BETCH, THAT BOY IS MINE!!!!” …And now your friend who dragged you to the movie is being an even bigger betch because she’s all like, “Uhhh, told ya so. I take all the credit because I discovered him first.” And you’re all like, “whatever, betch.”
Now you go home, purchase every song he's ever sang and hit up YouTube to watch every interview and video he’s ever made. And now you and all of your friends are posting Bieber-related posts on each other’s Facebooks. Bieber or Die.
What IS it that makes him so cute? That hair. That smile. That voice. He’s such a flirt and a ladies' man. There should be a new word to describe attraction to Justin Bieber. BACK THE FUCK OFF, SELENA. Is it weird that we’re actually attracted to him? Uhh, no, he’s a heartthrob, so what if it makes you a certified cougar? Okay, so it’s creepy. I don’t care. It’s Justin. Pelvic thrust.
You want to know everything and anything Bieber, but one day, when you’re at the gym because you're obvi on a #5 diet (Spring Break soon!), you glance at CNN and you almost fall off the treadmill. They’re saying that Bieber cut his hair! Legitimate news sources are calling this breaking news. This is an epidemic. RIP Hair Flip.
The minute you get home you immediately Google his new haircut. Fuck showering. You mourn the Hair Flip for a few minutes, but like... boy still looks good, for real. Then you find out he's selling his hair for charity (see, he’s soo nice!), and you decide this is where you cross the line and anyone who buys it is certifiable, even though you secretly want to sleep with a lock of his hair under your pillow.
We understand that bros are jealous. They should be. Overheard by a betch last weekend: “Justin Bieber is the only guy who does it for me”…her boyfriend was standing right next to her. For all you haters, just embrace it. It’s only a matter of time until you’re infected.
So, Happy 17th Birthday Justin!! Only 365 days until I can legally seduce you. Unless of course we're in Canada, where the legal age of consent is 14. Yeah, I Googled it, judge me. I'm gonna go put on my purple American Apparel hoodie, peace.