March 6, 2015
So Comedy Central is doing a roast of Justin Bieber, which seems unnecessary since his whole life is a joke, but whatever. They released the full line up of "comedians" scheduled to "make fun" of a 21 year old Canadian millionaire, whose most recent professional accomplishment was a media debate over his photoshopped bulge. The jokes are basically going to write themselves.
Here's the lineup: Hannibal Burress, the police officer in Neighbors (that movie where Zac Efron was contractually obligated to be half naked 80% of the time). Chris D'Elia, a rando comedian who was on one episode of Workaholics, so during his part of the roast you can leave to finish making the sangria. Natasha Leggaro, who was on Chelsea Lately and roasted James Franco. If she was vetted by Former Betch of the Week Chelsea Handler, then this bitch will probs be at least kind of funny. Jeff Ross, the "Roast Master General," has been in every Comedy Central Roast. Congrats. Jeff is like the childhood friend that you don't really like anymore, but he's been around for so long that you can not invite him to your birthday parties, but you still hope he can't come.
Alright, so after those 5s, we finally get some 10s. Ludacaris, Snoop Dog, Shaqille O'Neal, and mother fucking Martha Stewart (ever heard of them?). That is the dream team, like if the world was ending, that's who I would want the Avengers to be. Obvi somebody is going to ghost write their material, but IDGAF because just hearing them say shit about Justin is amazing. If Martha Stewart drops an f-bomb I can die happy.
But Justin wasn't all that happy about the lineup because he really wants Seth Rogen to be there. Seth has made no comment. The whole thing is kind of awkward because Seth doesn't want to do it, but Justin "I'll endanger a monkey in Germany" Bieber doesn't really care about social decorum and has gotten his fans to mass-Tweet Seth about the Roast. The whole thing is a little desperate, but then again this is a person who wants to televise people shitting on him for a couple hours.
Anyways, here's the drinking game to get you through the Justin Bieber Roast:
Anytime somebody makes a joke you don't think his funny (side eye optional).
They cut to Justin for a reaction shot.
A comedian laughs at their own joke.
Anytime Selena Gomez is mentioned.
Someone brings up Justin's mug shot.
Martha Stewart gets mad shady.
Somebody changes the lyrics to one of his songs.