April 13, 2015
As if his unanticipated marriage to Jessica Biel wasn’t enough to kill off our love affair with Justin Timberlake, Saturday put the final nail in the coffin. He had a fucking baby. Well, technically Jessica had the baby, but he was a very present participant in that whole deal. I’m guessing it was only a matter of time (9 months to be specific) before the last remnants of our NSYNC-induced obsession with JT finally died off, but the realization that the love interest of our prepubescent selves all the way to present day has now become a father is surprisingly devastating. So, what are we to do? Listen to “Bye Bye Bye” on repeat to get us through our grief? Imagine him cradling his newborn in a depressing rendition of “Rock Your Body” (aka “Rock Your Baby”)? No, we’ll do exactly what we do with every other celebrity’s baby…make fun of its name until a picture is posted, at which point we can decide if it’s cute and worthy of its celeb status (i.e. Prince George) or not so cute and clearly favoring the less attractive parent (i.e. Blue Ivy).
Seeing as Justin’s baby is like 2 days old and probably gross, we have nothing to go on but his name, which was released shortly after being born. Here it is: Silas Randall Timberlake. Meh. It’s a little edgy, but nothing too out there. They even chose pretty gender-specific names which I’m sure many people are scared to do after Blake Lively’s groundbreaking “James.” I mean, we all know Justin has a good head on his shoulders and wouldn’t fall into the ridiculous trend of naming his offspring after colors, fruits or directions but the same cannot be said of his wife. Seriously though, anyone who gets bangs like that is pretty fucking ballsy and extremely likely to name her kid after a fabric softener or some shit. She must be responsible for the Silas part. For all you half-ass fans who didn’t spend your entire 6th grade year scrolling through fan-made websites, Randall is Justin’s middle name, too. Also, his favorite color is baby blue…fyi.